Think I'm starting to get identity/conditioning experientially and it feels really really important

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A lot of what I do I just do without thinking, without any clear reason, and it's not necessarily straightforwardly good. A lot of time it's mostly __not__ good, though there's probably always __something__ good about

2/

Conditioning feels like: X occurs, then Y feels "natural" or "just happens."

3/

Pausing conditioning and stepping outside it feels like: X occurred ... now what? Disorienting because the "meaning" of X is absent, and so I draw a blank about what to do. I'm probably relying on slower processes.

4/

Identity feels like an embodied "being of a particular person" or "being a particular way." These embodied "beings" have implications!

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Example identities that get triggered for me (it's all still a bit fuzzy):

- person-in-pain
- person-experiencing-discomfort
- guy-who's-good-at-circling
- awkward dude

Another one: guy who can't articulate the identities he's noticed (!!!!!)

(serious)

7/

Implications are like:

"Can't be happy til X"
"Have to stop talking."
"Have to get awkward now."

The way these are occurring to me now is that these auto-reactions and identity implications aren't really tracking my current values

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There is a way where a lot of them feel like "not me"

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Not sure yet if this means they're "unattached burdens" or something that I picked up from other people, or if they're more part-like or pattern-like from past traumas

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I also maybe feel a tiny bit closer to experientially "getting" Not-Self

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There is a way where it's not like the things I'm doing now in service of real actual values are more "me"

13/

I could be really confused about this

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Alt hypothesis is a lot of the goals/aspirations/projects I've taken on this year as I've got to know myself better are still at a pretty surface layer and there's way deeper stuff trying to come out

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That surface-depth model might be kinda broken, too, tho. Not sure.

16/

There is a way where there's just my experience unfolding, what I choose to do and not do, and this whole idea of the real me is a mirage

17/

And it's like: there's nothing outside of this, no ultimate foundation to find, maybe?

This feels suitably disappointing and anticlimactic, which honestly I'm more and more expecting any kind of awakening to be

18/

(at least in part. I dunno how any of this could lead to supramundane bliss but sign me up for that, too, pls)

I hesitate and "look deeper" because I somehow think I'm gonna find the choice that'll lead me to the greatest happiness

And it's also integrity: if I'm gonna, e.g., lead others, I NEED to know I'm "right"

20/

Lots here that's really important for me to allow to continue to develop, gradually, prioritizing engagement with the world over any kind of rumination or obsession over the details/concepts

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