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Here's what no one tells you when you grow up in an "academic" household with close and extended family members who have PhDs, are doctors/researchers/lawyers:
The default assumption is that if you haven't learned anything, you weren't productive that day. 1/14
The default assumption is that if you haven't learned anything, you weren't productive that day. 1/14
Even though my parents never emphasized grades explicitly, growing up when you have a surgeon as a parent, and an audiologist (and someone who went back to get their music degree) as a parent, you just kind of assume that grades are really important. 2/14
When you come home and you know the first thing the surgeon's going to ask you is "what did you learn today?" it felt like we were trying to past a test. Eventually we learned that this was a script & not something we need to care about, but it's still engrained in me. 3/14
This means that if I haven't "done anything" (i.e. if I need a break and am under a lot of stress) my brain goes into the default of "I haven't been productive. I don't deserve this. I didn't learn anything, I didn't really do anything." These are the thoughts I grew up with 4/14
These are thoughts that weren't ever out of the ordinary. Worrying if I am watching too much TV or I hadn't read a book that day, I "just went to school" instead. My family emphasized learning heavily, while also telling me to "relax & have fun." But that came too late. 5/14
It took me until college to realize that my family is weird. Our fun was playing board games, discussing politics and religion. But everything felt like a quiz competition or a debate (1 brother took debate and I could not compete with him). 6/14
Family dynamics were predicated on showing that "I'm not dumb." I don't use that word lightly. That's truly how it was. You didn't want to look bad by losing a strategic board game, or by making a bad argument. My brother would constantly call me stupid & tell me to shutup 7/14
Whoever had the best argument, who could "show their intelligence" the best had won. The reason I'm making this thread is because I'm not sure I have ever heard someone talk about this before. I don't know if it's just me, or my neurodivergent family. But it was toxic. 8/14
Something that has helped me by following the disability community, is knowing that I have worth without having to "be smart" or "win an argument." But when my brain is on autopilot, those thoughts come back of "I'm not deserving enough" or "I didn't do anything today." 9/14
And that's because my brain has so deeply rooted itself in the idea that being "smart" or being "productive" gives me some sort of inherent value as a human being. I didn't realize this was even what I was thinking the last few days, but it was. It's my default. 10/14
When stressed, I go back to this default thinking, and it amazes me that these are thoughts I had from such a young age.
A note to parents: When you talk to yourself out loud and say "I haven't done anything today" or "I don't deserve ice cream, I still need to do X task" 11/14
A note to parents: When you talk to yourself out loud and say "I haven't done anything today" or "I don't deserve ice cream, I still need to do X task" 11/14
Your kids can hear you. Your kids are listening to those messages, about how you're not deserving because you haven't been productive enough. And they're going to take on those same values because it's the only thing they know. Work on yourself to stop that messaging. 12/14
Needing to be the "smartest" person in the room is toxic. Needing to win every argument or board game is toxic. Chasing perfection and achievement may very well lead you to burnout. Think about what you truly want to value in life, and learn to value that. 13/14
People are worth more than winning an argument. If you care about yourself, recognize that you have your own inherent worth regardless of your cognitive capacity or productivity. The idea of productivity is something we basically invented. It doesn't have to mean everything 14/14
15/ The reason I've never really talked about this is because it doesn't feel like a big problem. I grew up with a lot of privilege, and I still have a lot of privilege.
But once I wrote this out and thought about it, this was (and still is) one of my biggest problems.
But once I wrote this out and thought about it, this was (and still is) one of my biggest problems.
16/ Society really likes to emphasize productivity, and so does academia. Being a grad student, it feels like you are always falling behind. Being a grad student in a pandemic, it feels like you're constantly failing when you are just Doing. The. Best. You. Can.
17/ I have to train myself to recognize that I am in fact doing the best I can right now. That involves constant reminders, esp. for staving off the feeling of guilt. I have a huge capacity for guilt and it's gutting. Knowing I'm autistic has helped a lot but it's not everything.
18/ Society loves to feed this notion that you are undeserving if you are not productive, if you don't do everything you can to get the highest education, the best promotion, or the best grade. I guess this is something I'm going to have to work through for most of my life.
