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Sexual Market Value (SMV) of Single Women in Nigeria
In appraisal of the thread titled “Sexual Market Value – SMV”, dated 06-12- 2020, I was asked to discuss the SMV of single mothers in Nigeria. I cannot promise it won’t be controversial but I guarantee it would be honest.
In appraisal of the thread titled “Sexual Market Value – SMV”, dated 06-12- 2020, I was asked to discuss the SMV of single mothers in Nigeria. I cannot promise it won’t be controversial but I guarantee it would be honest.
As explained in the previous thread, SMV is not a question of whether you are sexy or not but the value of your sexuality in relation to nuptials.
We have established that as women get older into their 30s, their SMV drops as their male mates coming into their prime naturally opts for younger women. Now, what would be the chances of a single mother in the Nigerian dating space?
Being a single mother is tough in Nigeria. Beyond the financial and emotional constraint, one has to deal with the society which constantly besets you with judgement. First impression is that you are ‘loosed’ – which is a blanched way of calling you sexually irresponsible.
Due to the societal stigma that comes with being a single parent, many women have had to deny their child when on dates with a person of intimate interest. The reality is that as women age, their suitors within their age bracket drop.
Having a child for another man, drastically drops the SMV as most guys don’t want to parent another man’s kid. To be fair, that is a lot of financial responsibility for a child that isn’t yours.
There is also the possibility of the biological father being in the child’s life or coming back to get him later and one still has to contend with winning the child's love. Nobody wants to be overwhelmed with emotional baggage. MUCH RISK!
It is uncommon for a man in his prime to opt for a single mother - except he is a divorcee, has kids of is own or much older than her. The cards lie in the man’s hand and women are even more eager to accept a ring at this point because suitors are low and child needs a father.
Women try to shame and emotionally manipulate men for not wanting single mothers but you really can’t police people into their choice of a life partner. Hard as it sounds, actions have consequences.
For a people pressed with using western values to determine progressive mindset, women love to paint the narrative that being a single mother is not a hinderance in “saner clime.” Well in saner climes, kids legally consent to sex at 16.
To do that here would mean exposing yourself to being called a pedophile even though the right word is ephebophile (sexual attraction to post-pubescent adolescents). They are not saner. They are just carefree.
Point is, know your environment. It is very important.
Point is, know your environment. It is very important.
In this environment, whether you are a single mother by choice, by widowhood, by inconvenience of a dead beat partner, rape – people do not care when it is time to make a choice of a wife as much as people do not care whether.....
.... you lost your dad, got sacked from a job, your business caught fire, failing health ate up your savings and investment or you are one of the many victims of the harsh economic reality and unemployment when broke shaming you.
This naturally brings us to whether I am shaming women for getting pregnant out of wedlock. No, I’m not. But you know your country, it is filled with morality police and Justices of decency. We know that everyone feasts on impiety cake but the gavel comes down on the pregnant.
There is no gainsaying the fact that people avoid getting pregnant or staying pregnant by taking care of it (however you interpret it is fine). You can question the morality of their action but that is them taking action or face dealing with the consequences.
Would you rather live with the inconvenience of being a single mother and choked with the scarcity of suitors? Lets be honest, as a single mother in this country, you are forced down to earth. Single mothers know their best bet is to put up the best of character to blindside men.
She might actually be of good conduct or merely keeping up appearances but the reality is that people still see you like a humble poor man – a poor man can’t be humble because he is already down to earth. This is made worse by the fact that Nigerians address you by your crisis.
Before we judge men, it is pertinent to state that this is generally a societal issue and thus, it is necessary to hold the mirror to women at this point. Nigeria as a nation strives on blood ties. It is a customary practice for people to desire to birth and raise their own kids.
Adoption is largely seen as a western practice and even in circumstances where kids are adopted or placed in our localized system of foster care whereby poor folks send kids to live with rich relations, the kids are often converted to unpaid helps and subjected to child abuse.
Generally speaking, Nigerians (especially the women) struggle to love another person’s child as theirs. There are endless stories of child abuse in Nigerian homes perpetrated by women – the offence of which is being a non-biological child.
. If you (a woman) cannot raise another person’s child as yours, how do you expect your spouse’s mother (another woman)to accept a nonbiological child as her grandchild? How do you feel entitled to a man loving you and accepting your child as his' to course correct your reality?
One can pretend on Twitter but truth is, women fear a drop in SMV and that is why they suffer from heart attack and halitosis when DNA is mentioned. If the result is -ve and she is unmarried, who will marry her? If she is married and the man breaks up, where will she start from?
"If anything happens between you and Obinze, you are both responsible. But Nature is unfair to women. An act is done by two people but if there are any consequences, one person carries it alone."
- Chimamanda Adichie (AMERICANAH)
- Chimamanda Adichie (AMERICANAH)
This is why parents are more protective of female children. It is not misogyny or patriarchy. It is nature.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
My Body - My Choice. I do not want to digress nor be redundant so I will employ brevity on this issue.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
My Body - My Choice. I do not want to digress nor be redundant so I will employ brevity on this issue.
The bodily autonomy quote mostly arises in abortion discourse but I think it is too late. My Body – My Choice should begin prior to sex. Considering that should you get pregnant, you are either going on a 9 month journey or submitting yourself for abortion....
.... , you should decide whether to have raw sex or protective sex and that is why stealthing(removal of condom during sex when consent was only given for protective sex) should be a crime in every jurisdiction.
It is your body and consequence is largely on you, responsibility of whether sex should be raw or not is largely on you. “If you don’t want to be a father, then use condom” is sweet to say but the body is yours and so is the consequence and you are an adult - Fuck with sense.
The SMV of single mothers in Nigeria is low and it is a free fall if you are above 30. Will you have suitors? Yes you will but you can’t be hopeful of having choices – not from your mates definitely. You accept the love you find. Disprivileges of Disadvantages!
There are exception to these harsh realities but they are few and I’m not here to give hope but to disclose our extant reality. If you want to be a single mother for life, fine. If you want to get married, the reality is tougher. Understand your environment and act accordingly.
Social media is filled with delusion and delusions are comforting. You either pick hard truth or soothing lies. "To make an honest woman of her" which means get married to a woman you are actively sexual with is an English idiom not Nigeria
Single motherhood is not easy anywhere
Single motherhood is not easy anywhere
NB: Please disclose your parenthood on dates so that a man that wants you will know what he is in for and want you for real. If he goes, fine. If he stays, that is who you want. You don’t want to live with that impossible lie forever. Some denials can’t be fixed in marriage.
To the saner climers, stop beautifying single motherhood with lies because it actually isn't easy anywhere in the world. To the single mothers, I wish you the love you think you deserve - there is someone for everybody.
Peace, Love and Spaghetti
Peace, Love and Spaghetti
