Thread by @Emmonspired, Sometimes life is literally the difference between having the balls to go [...]

Sometimes life is literally the difference between having the balls to go for it & living a life of quiet desperation. I went for it because I felt the time was right. Sometimes you need to use size or you will be trading for peanuts. I got hit HARD. I was wrong. I pay the price.

If it had gone the other way, I'd escaped a life of trading 20+ hours a day like @sanglucci - but it didn't. Back to the batting cages and square one for me. Fact of the matter is, I got a word from my broker saying that he's never seen someone be able to climb up like i did.

Thanks for the kind messages, the support. I will be back, I just don't know when. Spent an hour on the phone with @MykeSmith the Cardinal and we went over it all. Talked about improvements and steps to take going forward. Commiserated with another slinger.

Chatted with @RealBrianWatt as well - reminded me that a few bad decisions don't change the fact that I am a good trader.

@MacroTactical - winners stay winning and find a way to win.

We take the risk and live with the results. Sometimes the moment was not ours for the taking.

The final blow was a 20 lot NQ long around 2:20 pm when i saw that the bid kept coming in to rip higher. Only for us to slam down - liquidated into the lows - and then rally remainder of session and into globex. Next day all we did was bid all day. Brutal.

You won't find many people talk transparently about their journey like I have. It was a brutal end to a tough quarter, in a challenging year. I will always be my toughest critic. I would have still taken the same trade, just not with the same size.

But again - there are *moments* in a Trader's journey that define them. Sometimes we have terrible moments and sometimes like @AnthonyCrudele mentions in #DevelopYourEdge - we make a quarter or year in a moment. I know what I need to do. Now I just have to do it.

A simple thing I could have done was stay committed to the method @paxtrader777 brought into my vision, #OpeningRange trade. I mentioned this before, I am *still* battling my own natural instincts to find the rotations and the reversals. I once again paid the price. It's a fact.

For me, it's back to the batting cages, back to the fundamentals, and back to being small and working on the mechanics with $2K in hand.

It's foolish to think that can grow much. This isn't about 'making it back' at this point. It's about becoming better than who I was.

There is no holy grail, there is no magical indicator, there is nothing we can do but control our impulses.

Now, the next leg of my Journey continues, and I'm going to go have some coffee and re-read @FuturesTrader71 's pinned tweet.

It's about me anyway. @RealEdgeClear knows

And for everyone else out there still battling their way on this journey, understand it is OK to admit and fully realize, fully internalize and admit your losses.

Do not judge yourself against the external "glory" you see people posting on Twitter. It isn't all rainbows.

There are moments where the end result could have gone differently and it would have been lucky to escape. But a loss like this is like crawling your way out of a cave. You see the faintest bit of light and then the darkness swallows you again. It's a sinking feeling.

I wouldn't even recommend people attempt to do what I did, growing a small 8k amount into 25k or whatever... It's such an infinitesimally small probability to take on futures markets and survive w/out a death by 1000 cuts. Eventually you will have the same fate: forcing it ALL IN

As volatility is crushed and opportunities decrease to require movements to happen 830-230, you will find yourself seeking every wiggle as the NEED to make money and capture points rapidly is a reality of life. But the markets don't care about our timeframe or undercapitalization

So how do you move forward?

You first find a way to change yourself. Habits. I was in an almost obsessive, round the clock path, literally having bloomberg tv on my screens 24/7/365, watching for every bit of news out of asia, europe 20+ hrs/day globex -capturing pts as we move

Stop forcing something to happen. Only take the trades according to a strategy, not gut feel or impulse because "this is my moment".

Most importantly, calculating the $ risk prior to entry and KNOWING WHERE you are WRONG. To begin the healing process BEFORE entry.

Be completely agnostic about market direction. There are days we will chop around @ThePAXGroup style opening range, there are days we are clearly driving away from it and every attempt below or above is rejected. Senseless hunting for every bottom & tops continues to be my Worst.

Be honest with yourself.

HOW MANY TIMES
will you be self-destructive?

HOW MANY TIMES
will you be undisciplined?

HOW MANY TIMES
will it take to control risk relentlessly

So now, the time is to move forward.
Get those batting cage swings in.
Practice with the 1 & 2 lot micros. Spread here and there. Have defined risk. Maybe take up a @Topstep combine or 2 or 3, or 4 or 5 or 10x - it's expensive but not nearly as much as losing an entire roll.

And Most importantly, LEARN FROM IT, or be doomed to repeat the past. https://twitter.com/MacroTactical/status/1337510822197698561

https://twitter.com/MacroTactical/status/1337510822197698561

It was tough to admit my journey publicly & honestly not sure if it helps. But my feeling is many more people should understand the realities of trading. WE are challenged in many ways: financially, speed of execution, last to know news & react, but greatest risk is our own mind.

We all do stupid shit. The question is, what will it take to stop doing stupid shit? If this is my worst, so be it, I will recover. My family has been through much worse: daughter has Congenital Heart Defect ToF w/ Pulmonary Atresia, 22q Chromosome Deletion, and Type 1 Diabetes.

We will overcome this day.
We will move forward.
We will be stronger.

Get it out of your system, yes.
Don't be sorry. Be Better.

What to do when you're broken.
Via @jockowillink

I think that this is the Turning point that will change most aspects of my life for the better, both inside and outside of trading.

I also need to get back to working out and have a stronger mind and body going forward.

I suspect this time next year will be a complete 180.

I lived in an apartment with zero furniture back in 2014, completely empty on the floor. Even after failure after failure after failure life gets better but only if you keep going.

You can't allow failure to break you, only persevere to new opportunities.

Incrementally better.

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