ndl //

Hey, everyone.

I haven't publicly said much in the last week, but there are still some things I wanted to say about the mr j situation. This is aimed at every party involved and on the sidelines.

Hereby, a thread.

I wanted to message him first to voice my personal thoughts before saying anything publicly. I'm not trying to be hostile. Now that I've done that, I want to turn to all of you.

In the events surrounding the beginning of this week (or rather the events that led to that) I've been hurt too. I won't go into details nor do I know what others have heard about my situation.

I've been lucky that despite an emotional and mental setback, I had people that supported and comforted me, even when they didn't know what was going on in my head. Personally, I am grateful for that.

ndl //

I'm glad this confrontation happened. I'm glad that people feel more safe and free to talk about their experiences and troubles. For a lot of scars though, the healing is only beginning.

I genuinely simply wish for people here to feel safe.

ndl //

I want to urge you not to feel guilty or stupid. When someone treats you as a friend with affection, it's normal to get attached and don't search more behind it. Most of all, you can't know what's going on in private conversations between others.

ndl //

Please, there is no rational reason to feel guilty. There is also no reason to feel guilty for feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong.

ndl //

However, I do think this is a reminder for everyone to be careful. Mostly online but also in irl. People are often not as nice and good as you think, as unfortunate as that is.

In fact, we ourselves are often not as good as we think. It's okay not to be a perfectly good person. No one can truly be good.

ndl //

I honestly think mr j did not realise his behaviour seriously harmed people, possibly still not so. However, that does not mean that his actions can be excused easily or that there shouldn't be consequences.

ndl //

I genuinely hope he finds help, internally or externally, to prevent things like these from happening again.

Manipulation is a tricky thing. I don't think manipulating is generally something someone actively decides to do. To an extent, I think one must be manipulating themself for them to manipulate others. What I'm trying to say is that facing your own manipulative tendencies is hard.

ndl //

I don't want him publicly shamed for his actions alone, but I do think we need to talk about it in order to heal distorted relations and for the safety of the community. Whether he decides to follow those convos or not, or do something with our words, is his own decision.

ndl //

It is not our job to fix his issues. That is something only he himself can do with dedicated assistance. At most, we can voice our experiences to help him see our perspective. However, none of us is obligated to do that either.

ndl //

The health and safety, both mentally and emotionally, of individuals is most important. These things have been damaged and that is why we want the cause to face consequences for that. This is not a personal crusade against one person or a witch hunt.

ndl //

I sincerely hope that something like this will never happen again in this community nor in mr j's life.

Unfortunately, that's a promise far from possible to make. I urge all of you to be open and honest, let your feelings out to someone you trust, but never ever feel pressured to do so.

Clear communication is important. It might be blunt and harsh sometimes, but in my eyes, that is still better than to dwell in frustration, anxiety and lies.

Your wellbeing is most important. Try not to let the weaknesses in yourself become something that harms others. It is okay not to be perfect, but it's not okay to hide from imperfections. Not every bit of criticism is absolute. Not every sin stands on its own.

Now or any other point in time, if there is anything you wish to talk about and you trust me, I hope you know you can always message me.

That goes for everyone.

And if you want to tell me something or ask me something about this or something else entirely, you're free to do so.

Via a reply, DMs, private acc or anon on CuriousCat:

if you want to speak, speak.