Read on Twitter
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Grand Old Party! We got revenge murder, tax loopholes for richies and less services for you! We partner with COVID to own the libs by dying! We got kids in cages, and a kid who shot people. Statues! We're very fine people with guns!
We got nepotism—wheeeeeee! We went to Jared for answers! He's got 25 books! We love guys with glowing orbs and bonesaws! We need a favor (wink)! We won't save your home in a pandemic, but we got cash handouts for soy farmers—just ask millionaire welfare recipient Chuck Grassley!
We love shooting animals! We love waving guns at protests! We love suppressing votes, removing voting sites and elections that we win! We're sure the elections we lose are fake, somehow. We get crackin' with a Kraken in our minds! We file Supreme Court briefs that say "Lousiana."
We love weakening our country by severing ties with allies and coddling dictators! We love maskless rallies—wheee! We love when our leader spends way more than $100 million to go golfing and funnel tax money to his crooked businesses—wheee! We LOVE white identity politics—wheee!
We love saying "the Chinese virus" and "very fine people" and "Democrat cities are destroyed" and dog whistling. But don't call us bigots (wink)! We hate when "those people" kneel but we love gunmen who shut down a legislature. This Russia thing's a hoax but we LOVE Russia—wheee!
We know democracy's for suckers, but we keep the "Republic" in our name so you won't call us fascists. And we're super duper definitely not fascist at all, but there would nothing wrong with it if we were. Authoritarianism's a gas, it's got a good beat, we can really dance to it!
(Siri, please activate sarcasm font so that the literalists on the Twitter machine won't be confused.)
