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Boss: OK welcome everyone, thanks for taking the time to come to the Christmas-song-idea-brainstorming session! Vegan mince-pies and non-alcoholic mulled wine on the side there. Loos are on the second floor. Who wants to start? Mike.
Mike: Well, um, just spit-balling, what about a song where a man's driving home for Christmas and he's stuck in traffic?
Boss: Wow! Not a traditional song topic but there are no bad ideas. You know what Mike, do it. Get someone with a nice voice if poss. Next? Jo?
Boss: Wow! Not a traditional song topic but there are no bad ideas. You know what Mike, do it. Get someone with a nice voice if poss. Next? Jo?
Jo: Oh God, is it me....right well....hear me out, but a song about a child who suspects their mother of adultery because she sees them kissing Santa Claus?
Boss: I don't get it
RANDOM MAN: Santa Claus is the dad dressed up.
Boss: Ohhhh so cute. Love it. Great idea, Brian.
Boss: I don't get it
RANDOM MAN: Santa Claus is the dad dressed up.
Boss: Ohhhh so cute. Love it. Great idea, Brian.
*short pause*
Boss: Alright everyone, that was an illuminating discussion about sexism in meetings. Back to the ideas. Ajay?
Ajay: A Christmas song about nuclear war?
Boss: Sure. Why not. With a jaunty beat, could work.
Ajay: A Christmas song about famine?
Boss: Why not.
Boss: Alright everyone, that was an illuminating discussion about sexism in meetings. Back to the ideas. Ajay?
Ajay: A Christmas song about nuclear war?
Boss: Sure. Why not. With a jaunty beat, could work.
Ajay: A Christmas song about famine?
Boss: Why not.
Boss: Right, let's not run out of steam. Ali, you got something? I know you're just the intern but don't be shy.
Ali: Well here's my idea - the singer wants to have sex with Santa, in exchange for various commercial goods!
Boss: er.....
Ali: It's a commentary on capitalism.
Ali: Well here's my idea - the singer wants to have sex with Santa, in exchange for various commercial goods!
Boss: er.....
Ali: It's a commentary on capitalism.
*some time later*
Boss: So improbably it seems everyone loves the idea of propositioning Santa in exchange for goods and possessions. Maybe that's how it works nowadays. I wouldn't know, I've been married for thirty years. Julie?
Julie: I wish it could be Christmas every day
Boss: So improbably it seems everyone loves the idea of propositioning Santa in exchange for goods and possessions. Maybe that's how it works nowadays. I wouldn't know, I've been married for thirty years. Julie?
Julie: I wish it could be Christmas every day
Boss: Is that a statement or...?
Julie: It's a dystopian vision of a world where nothing is open and the Queen addresses us each day at 3.
Boss: Um
Julie: Heavy minor key. Ghostly child singing.
Boss: Um, OK, I think we can do something with that but a bit more....jaunty.
Julie: It's a dystopian vision of a world where nothing is open and the Queen addresses us each day at 3.
Boss: Um
Julie: Heavy minor key. Ghostly child singing.
Boss: Um, OK, I think we can do something with that but a bit more....jaunty.
Dave: I have an idea
Boss: Fine. What is it? A Christmas song about coronavirus? Mass murder? Brexit?
Dave: It's a destitute drunk couple throwing offensive slurs at each other. But ironically.
Boss: What
Boss: Fine. What is it? A Christmas song about coronavirus? Mass murder? Brexit?
Dave: It's a destitute drunk couple throwing offensive slurs at each other. But ironically.
Boss: What
Boss: Does no one know what Christmas is anymore? Here's the words of my own idea, pass them around. Simple. Festive.
Brian: What are chestnuts? Does anyone eat those now?
Julie: Could be bad for nut-allergy sufferers
Jo: And not everyone has turkey. I'm a vegan you know
Brian: What are chestnuts? Does anyone eat those now?
Julie: Could be bad for nut-allergy sufferers
Jo: And not everyone has turkey. I'm a vegan you know
Ali: Also we shouldn't encourage the use of mistletoe - it can really lead to unsafe work environments.
Brian: Totally. I just tweeted that earlier.
Brian: Totally. I just tweeted that earlier.
Dave: Not to mention the slur on the Inuit people.
Mike: So offensive.
Ajay: I just think it's a bit too...jolly
Everyone: *murmurs of agreement*
Ajay: A bit too on the nose. I mean, 'The Christmas song', not very imaginative, is it?
Mike: So offensive.
Ajay: I just think it's a bit too...jolly
Everyone: *murmurs of agreement*
Ajay: A bit too on the nose. I mean, 'The Christmas song', not very imaginative, is it?
Boss: Fine. You know what, we'll do all your weird ideas about traffic jams and boffing Santa and singing about famine. You know it actually does snow in Africa quite a bit. I give up. I'm going to the pub. Oh it's closed because we're in Tier 3? Great.
