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Reviewed my formal feedback from my recent observation and it was soul-sucking: a thread 1/?
I am generally a confident teacher and (I think) competent professional. I have always been comfortable being observed (at least in part because I've always been privileged enough to work with thoughtful supervisors) 2/?
I'm in Year 10 & I haven't worried about an observation since Year 1. And I didn't worry about this one! I do my thing whether an admin drops in or not. The admin observing me this year is great--compassionate, insightful, grounded. I enjoy sharing my teaching practice w/them 3/?
The observation last week was *fine.* I haven't taught in my physical classroom since March 13. I've never met with my current classes face-to-face. The lesson went as well as any other virtual lesson; some students asked some questions in the chat, even. 4/?
Look, I'm tenured, and nothing is going to go wrong enough for me in any one observation to lead to any sort of crisis. But I like to be Good at Things! Mostly I think I'm good at teaching. Hoping to get better, still learning, but it's work I can do. 5/?
(I'm that insufferable student who looks forward to detailed praise on A papers, OK?) Here's the thing about the feedback I read this morning: it was good! It was all positive and kind. There were a couple of very reasonable gentle suggestions that were on point 6/?
And I still felt deflated reading about the lesson. I know that I am not personally responsible for the pandemic, for virtual teaching, for students' discomfort re: cameras & mics, etc etc. But I am a better teacher than this & it is just hitting me hard this week. 7/?
It's hard to be motivated when I feel like I can't do my best work. Even when the efforts I made are praised--even when I do understand that what I'm able to do right now is fine--it's all still hard and awful. 8/?
Today a student messaged me to say she knew she was behind but she was stressed and unmotivated. "I feel that," I replied honestly. "I look forward to reviewing your assignments as you're able to submit them." 9/?
I'm an adult professional with 2 graduate degrees and 10 years' experience and getting a positive evaluation set me off today. How do my young students feel as I evaluate the work they're submitting to me? I'm sure they don't feel like they can do their best. 10/?
I don't have a neat narrative arc here. It's all hard, everything is frustrating, all I want to do is talk in real time with kids about cool biology ideas, grading feels absurd--but so does *not* assessing student learning--and I know those two things aren't equivalent, but 11/?
I'm tired even though honestly I haven't been working hard enough to warrant it. I'm tired because my sleep is disrupted because we are living through a global pandemic and not a single thing is uncomplicated; I'm tired because 12/?
mustering the will to check off even small items from my to-do list is a monumental undertaking. I had a great evaluation & everything is still terrible. Be gentle with everyone, especially the students.
[please don't reply with advice; I am constantly thinking deeply about everything in this thread and will post specific questions when I want advice]
