England footballers as club cricketers - a thread (in batting order):

1 Chilwell: Strong jawlined, privately-educated lefty who never trains as works late in Canary Wharf midweek. Textbook straight drive and always fields 2nd slip. Invites female friends from St Andrews to the club to drink Aperol Spritz. Free-for-all on his card behind the bar.

2 Rice: WK, joined club 2 years ago after previous side relegated. Not really good enough for 1st XI, rumours he keeps his place as knows skipper from school. Sees shine off new ball before edging behind trying to up the rate. Wants to fit in, stays late at bar buying jugs.

3 Maguire: Spends morning getting 14yo to feed him pull shots in nets. Scores 65 including some lofty blows off seamers but stumped as soon as spinner comes on. Moody rest of day, insists on fielding at slip. Drops one, can’t stay for beers as cooking dinner for his girlfriend

4 Mount (C): Turns up in linen shirt, Louis V shades and suede loafers. Can't shake association with his club treasurer father who coached his colts side and still gives him throwdowns. Decent batter, bats 4 if side off to a flyer but drops down order if doing a bit early doors

5 Grealish: Most popular man at club, always hungover after Friday night. Flawless technique and would’ve gone pro if didn’t discover girls and booze aged 14. 50 every week and bowls crafty left arm offies. Guaranteed to be a late one if he stays after a game, loves jaegerbombs

6 Maddison: Reckons he’s the best fielder at club and exclusively fields at point. Bats 6, looks a million dollars playing back-to-back cover drives for 4 before plinking to mid off. Cigarette as soon as he takes his pads off and already has a jug in before the last wicket falls.

7 Pickford: First change bowler, swings it both ways. Stares batsmen out and tells them they’ll be in the 4s next week. Furious after shelling a simple c&b chance. Gets a questionable lbw and throws bat through changing room window. Retires forever but will be back in a fortnight

8 Arnold: Colt leggie with rocket of an arm. Loves a run out and breaking partnerships with mystery googly. Can hold a bat but usually holes out after cameo run-a-ball 30. Collected at 8:30 by parents after discovered drunkenly exchanging numbers with one of the mums at the bar.

9 Kane: Berates a batsman each week for not walking despite once seeing him stand his ground after smashing to third slip. Researches oppo team and weirdly competitive about his sub-5 economy rate. Sloppy after lagers but always submits his match report by 10am next morning.

10 Rashford: Opening quick, archetypal ‘too nice to be a fast bowler’. Helps groundsman prepare wicket, volunteers at foodbanks and runs a scheme promoting cricket in state schools. Celebrates victories with team before politely excusing himself after the first round of jaegers

11 Gomez: Mercurial fast bowler - plays one match, misses next three with recurring hamstring issue. Usually hidden on third man boundary, has to underarm ball in after elbow injury from being overbowled as teenager. Cant bat but huge cheer when edges one through the slips for 4