#FilmAdvent Day 10
The Polar Express (2004)
First watch for this. First impression is that it should be called How Uncanny Was My Valley? Them faces is creepy.

Zombie Tom Hanks just turned up on a ghost train and is in the process of abducting a kid.

Christ, there's a whole creche carriage full of haunted marionette kids.

One of the children of the damned looks like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. He’s going to kill everyone on board, isn’t he?

Zombie Tom Hanks has just dragged the only black kid out of the carriage and is about to throw her off the roof. Because she lost her ticket. This is all getting a bit bleak.

Now a terrifying homeless bloke who lives on top of the train is calling Santa a twat.

He's like Bert out of Mary Poppins if Bert smoked meth and had done time for aggravated assault.

That's a relief. Zombie Tom Hanks didn't murder that kid. He's just got her driving a hurtling train full of kids. That's...better, I suppose?

Hang on, is this the prequel to Snowpiercer? Does the kid grow up to be Chris Evans?

We've just had a carriage full of broken dolls, once of which gains sentience and shouts at the kid. *Checks certificate*. U? Really?

Time for a song with what appears to be the ghost of Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle. He's the kid who's been banished to a carriage on his own for the whole trip because of reasons.

"We made it, with five minutes to spare" shouts Zombie Tom Hanks. Probably didn't need to be such a prick to everyone, then, Zombie Tom.

Hang on, Hobo Meth Bert appears to be a ghost. Which makes him 47% more terrifying.

Santa's sack looks disconcertingly like a shaved scrotum.

It's beginning to take on the quality of one of those dreams you have during a bout of the flu. Disconnected with a vaguely threatening aura.

The kid finally concedes he believes in Santa, after being kidnapped on a ghost train, arriving at the North Pole and being stood two feet away from Santa. How gracious of him.

Small point, but the main theme sounds like it's about to break into Soft Kitty at any moment.

ZOMBIE ELF AEROSMITH. Christ, I was not prepared for that.

"What matters with trains is not where they're going but deciding to get on" says Zombie Tom Hanks, fundamentally misunderstanding what trains are for.

The kid got a gift from Mr C.

The End. By god, that's a weird film.