Brexit Update:

1. Starter: Apparently Boris spilled soup down his shirt whilst enthusiastically dunking (nowt new there) & Urs has an annoying slurp.

Atmosphere a little awkward.

2. Fish course: It didn't go well. Boris commented on the plentiful platter & Frosty tried to kick him under the table, missed & landed a toecap on Mrs Merkel's shin.

Atmosphere deteriorating.

3. Main Course: Rosbif. Tad embarrassing - Macron has turned up uninvited & everyone's having to 'utch-up' & make room for him. An extra plate is sourced & all are expected to slide a bit of their main course on said plate.

4. Boris offers a solitary Brussel sprout, but not before licking the gravy off it.

Atmosphere: it appears the fledgling Anglo French bromance is kaput.

More updates later...

5. Dessert: Individual Bakewell tarts. Boris grabs two & holds them either side his chest, smirking. Monsieur Barnier lurches to grab one, but Boris is too quick & reprimands Barnier: "There'll be no cherry picking for you tonight, sunshine".

Atmosphere: delicate.

6. Cheese: Disappointed with the paltry selection, Frosty announces he's "off out for a fag". It takes several minutes to calm an irate Merkel & explain this wasn't a jibe at the antics of the Christian MEP's frequenting of a Bar 200m down the road.

Atmosphere:

7. Coffee: Mix up over future governance & the meaning of 'injunctive relief', Ursula glances towards Boris's large, red briefcase & crisply requests he refers to his aide memoire for clarification. Boris fumbles around & eventually produces what he was looking for: Michael Gove.

8. Liqueurs: Prime Minister Johnson thanked his hosts for the splendid "Slappy-up & grog", but unfortunately (due to VDL's insistence on facemasks) President Macron misheard, believing a muffled PM Johnson called him a "Gappy toothed frog".

Atmosphere: slightly strained

9. Downing Street has since issued a press release, once again thanking their hosts, stating the dinner talks went very well & real progress has been made.

The European Commission has so far refused to comment.