You know what we need? Songs that aren’t about “going home” for Christmas in any way shape or form.

“I Spend The Holidays With My Friends Because My ‘Family’ Treats Me Like Shit.”

“Christmas Is The Only Day I Get To Myself And I Love The Solitude”

“I Wouldn’t Go Back To My Abusive Family If You Paid Me, Stop Asking"

“Oh Holy Stop Guilting People For Being Stressed Out”

“It’s Not Okay To Treat Retail Workers Like Shit, Karen, Especially Around The Holidays”

“Stores, Quit Putting Out Christmas Shit Before Halloween Is Even Over”

And the longing anthem “Just Fucking Leave Me Alone, I Can’t Afford To Buy Milk Let Alone ‘Presents’”

“This Year I Won’t Be Mad At My Kids For Being Overwhelmed In Stores, Instead I’ll Be Mad At Corporations For Guilting Us Into Holiday Credit Card Debt”

Come on, TikTok and YouTube. A whole LOT of us are relentlessly abused this time of year by “families” and further bludgeoned by “classic songs.” Save us. Give us some of ＊these＊.

“Don’t Fucking Try To Guilt Me Into ‘Forgiving’ My Abusers For The Holidays”

“Shut Up, Karen, Just Make Do Like The Rest Of Us”

How about a ringing rendition of the joyful carol, “Holiday Pay Should Be Minimum Wage Because Inflation, But I’ll Take What I Can Get”

Or, “Jesus, Come Back And Trash These Corporate Billionaires Like The Predatory Moneychangers They Are”

I am so fucking sick of this weaponized Currier & Ives corporate-sponsored bullshit. I want ＊real＊ Christmas songs.

“You Don’t Pay Us Enough To Care About The Office Party, Corporate”

How about the sad but utterly truthful “This Time Of Year Is A Present For Domestic Abusers, And They Use It All They Can”, huh? Someone write that song.