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Yesterday was my development conversation at work, with my manager and HOD. Now, I had checked in with my manager last week, in case they wanted me to think about anything specific etc. They said no, it's going to be a chilled chat, we're just going to map the way forward for me.
Which, you know, I like. My nature is to create lists; guidance and objectives going forward are just a really fancy list, at the end of the day.
Anyway, come an hour before the meeting, the familiar burn of anxiety rose up below my ribcage. I envisioned harsh times like yah, a performance review that left me weak-kneed and teary-eyed.
By the time I was imagining all the ways I would be gently dismissed, the anxiety had taken up every bit of free space in my lungs, was blocking up my throat, was making me feel light-headed.
My instinct, when faced with this, is to dissociate from how it makes me feel, to create enormous distance between me and the unbridled panic. Half an hour before the meeting, the chasm between me, and the world where anxiety waited, was vast.
And then I remembered to ask myself "who said that?" and "where did you hear that?" I also remembered that my manager, who would be running the meeting, had told me to my face that it would be about me deciding where I want to go with my work and my role.
But mostly, I just asked my anxiety for the receipts.
And in what was possibly the most fulfilling and proudest moment of the last two years, as I continued to fact check my own subconscious, my anxiety began to recede, until it eventually slumbered, once more, hidden against my last ribs.
And I felt better. Calmer. I could breathe, and focus on talking to my supervisors, who I really like. There was a rare feeling of control over my own self that I don't get, and it is absolutely thrilling.
