Read on Twitter
"Another straight man submits a log with a coke can. Ridiculous. F-"
"Inspired use of light and shadow, sender. The posing, framing, and color coordination between your binder and your cock, against the stark black and white background elevates this dick pic from merely sexy to erotic art. A+"
"Another joke pic. The use of emoji to 'dress' your dick is unoriginal, but decently executed, and the clean background and inclusion of your hand and body shows you put more effort into this than the juvenile attempt at humor suggests. Have confidence in your dick, sender. C+"
"Black and white photography can feel cliche, but you use it well. Most submissions showcase an erection, but you are not afraid of treating your soft dick like an erotic centerpiece. This dick pic is coy, almost teasing, and evocative. Excellent submission, sender. A+"
"Sender, I can tell you have taken some lessons from this blog by your inclusion of your torso and hand, and the fact that this is not simply a top-down log. However, the cluttered background and overexposed lighting keep this from being a truly first class dick pic. B-"
"Lazy. Putting a seasonal hat on your dick does not improve a lacklustre dick pic. Try harder, sender. D-"
Obviously what would happen here is that NHS would find this blog and show it to WWX who would make it his MISSION IN LIFE to earn an A+ rating on his dick pic.
By about the third submission from tumblr user YLLZ, "rate my dick pic" blogger HunguangJun realizes what he's doing and finds something to deduct points for from each picture.
WWX whines to NHS a LOT that HungOneJun (changing this bc I lol) is being unfairly critical. NHS points out that yes, but no one else has gotten so very many separate submissions rated.
"Maybe you need to go more abstract? Really make it art, not just a sexy photo."
The next submission from YLLZ is GORGEOUS: a painting, not a photograph, that makes brilliant use of color and negative space to imply a dick that is not actually shown.
The next submission from YLLZ is GORGEOUS: a painting, not a photograph, that makes brilliant use of color and negative space to imply a dick that is not actually shown.
"A puzzling submission to rate. You clearly show mastery of your chosen medium, and the picture is artistic, erotic, and beautifully suggestive. However, this is 'Rate My Dick Pic,' and this composition contains no dick. No rating."
NOW he's mad.
NOW he's mad.
(LWJ didn't realize his roommate WWX was into oil painting. Interesting, the things you learn about someone, even after years of knowing them. He wonders why WWX has never shown him one of his paintings.)
The next pic YLLZ submits is intentionally bad. Shit lighting, boxers around his knees, top down shot of his hard dick poking straight out with FUCK U written on it in what looks like sharpie.
HungOneJun doesn't even post the picture, just a text post: "You are not qualified."
HungOneJun doesn't even post the picture, just a text post: "You are not qualified."
WWX reviews his photos and comes to the conclusion that the only way to top his highest rated submissions is going to be to have someone *else* take the photo for him.
Huaisang refuses to help.
He's gonna have to ask LWJ.
Huaisang refuses to help.
He's gonna have to ask LWJ.
"Lan Zhan, I have uh, kind of a weird favor to ask."
"Mn, ask." LWJ has made it his mission in life to give WWX anything he asks for. (He's never informed WWX of this mission.)
"It's a photography favor; I know how good you are, and I could really use your help with a project."
"Mn, ask." LWJ has made it his mission in life to give WWX anything he asks for. (He's never informed WWX of this mission.)
"It's a photography favor; I know how good you are, and I could really use your help with a project."
Even better. Photography has been Lan Zhan's hobby for years. He's even got a blog dedicated to helping people improve their photos.
(A blog... perhaps begun in a fit of pettiness after receiving one too many unsolicited, utterly uninspiring dick pics from guys on dating apps.)
(A blog... perhaps begun in a fit of pettiness after receiving one too many unsolicited, utterly uninspiring dick pics from guys on dating apps.)
((Wei Ying does not need to know about THAT particular pet project.))
"Of course, Wei Ying. How can I help?"
"Aha, well, you see, I need to take some photos of a somewhat... personal nature."
"..."
"Nudes. Or, semi-nudes, maybe?"
"Of course, Wei Ying. How can I help?"
"Aha, well, you see, I need to take some photos of a somewhat... personal nature."
"..."
"Nudes. Or, semi-nudes, maybe?"
WHY does Wei Ying need nude photos? LWJ doesn't think he's been seeing anyone, not lately, but maybe... maybe there's someone new?
It doesn't matter. WWX has asked for his help, and LWJ will help.
"These are... for someone in particular?"
It doesn't matter. WWX has asked for his help, and LWJ will help.
"These are... for someone in particular?"
WWX really, *really* did not think this through. Of course LWJ would want to know *why* he needed nude photos, and WWX really does NOT want to tell him "I have a vendetta against this absolute asshole blogger who won't give my dick pics an A+."
"Yes." LWJ's eyes narrow.
"Yes." LWJ's eyes narrow.
"Don't worry, Lan Zhan, I assure you this person has very much consented to receiving, ah, suggestive photos!"
"Not worried. Wei Ying would not send them otherwise." LWJ sounds so *sure* of him. WWX's heart melts a little, the way it always does when he says things like that
"Not worried. Wei Ying would not send them otherwise." LWJ sounds so *sure* of him. WWX's heart melts a little, the way it always does when he says things like that
They go into WWX's room, and LWJ frowns. The light in here is really not ideal for this.
"Not here," LWJ says. "Come with me." He leads WWX to his room, where his big bed is neatly made with a fluffy white duvet, and golden hour sunlight is pouring in through the windows.
"Not here," LWJ says. "Come with me." He leads WWX to his room, where his big bed is neatly made with a fluffy white duvet, and golden hour sunlight is pouring in through the windows.
"You can kneel on the bed," LWJ says. WWX can see it. The wall behind the bed is the same apartment beige as in his own room, but with the light and the stark white of LWJ's bedding—and the lack of scuff marks, sticky notes, and tacked up scribbles—it's a much better backdrop.
It'll be a little stark though, surely, maybe a bit boring, just tan skin and black hair and soft white & beige around him. Hmm.
"One sec!" WWX says, then runs back to his room to dig through his closet for—perfect. He strips off quickly and ties the sash to head back.
"One sec!" WWX says, then runs back to his room to dig through his closet for—perfect. He strips off quickly and ties the sash to head back.
WWX whirls back in and hops on the bed, and LWJ knows these photos are going to be /devastating/.
He's flushed and excited and the crimson of the thin robe he's changed into makes his skin glow in the golden light.
"Not my whole face now, Lan Zhan," WWX instructs with a wink.
He's flushed and excited and the crimson of the thin robe he's changed into makes his skin glow in the golden light.
"Not my whole face now, Lan Zhan," WWX instructs with a wink.
He doesn't need much instruction, just shakes his hair loose over his shoulder, kneels up, twists his torso, and lets the robe fall apart to reveal one dusky nipple.
A trail of hair.
His cock beginning to fill out.
A cock LWJ has definitely, absolutely, 100% seen before.
A trail of hair.
His cock beginning to fill out.
A cock LWJ has definitely, absolutely, 100% seen before.
LWJ is staring.
He's seen that cock. Seen it from poorly chosen angles and in black and white and wearing a silly hat and once, memorably, tied up with a bright red ribbon in a photo marred only by too much clutter in the background, and most recently with FUCK U written on it.
He's seen that cock. Seen it from poorly chosen angles and in black and white and wearing a silly hat and once, memorably, tied up with a bright red ribbon in a photo marred only by too much clutter in the background, and most recently with FUCK U written on it.
"Lan Zhan? Everything okay?"
WWX is starting to look concerned and LWJ needs to say something but the only thing that manages to work its way out of his mouth is
"You can't submit this."
WWX is starting to look concerned and LWJ needs to say something but the only thing that manages to work its way out of his mouth is
"You can't submit this."
"Can't submit— ahaha, Lan Zhan, what? What do you mean? Is there something wrong with my pose?"
LWJ takes a deep breath and drops the camera to make eye contact with his best friend, his crush, and–apparently–his internet nemesis. "/YLLZ./ You cannot submit a picture I take."
LWJ takes a deep breath and drops the camera to make eye contact with his best friend, his crush, and–apparently–his internet nemesis. "/YLLZ./ You cannot submit a picture I take."
Wei Ying's face is so very mobile. It goes through a half dozen expressions LWJ distantly wishes he had the presence of mind to capture, before curling into a shocked, delighted smile.
"Lan ZHAN! You're really HungOneJun?"
"Mn."
"Such a crude joke for you, Lan Zhan."
"Lan ZHAN! You're really HungOneJun?"
"Mn."
"Such a crude joke for you, Lan Zhan."
LWJ feels his lips twitch. It is; that's why he picked it. If one is going to rate dicks on the internet, one can't be too pretentious about it.
"And you're so MEAN!" WWX exclaims, laughing. "Telling people their dicks are boring or uninspired."
"Not the dicks," LWJ corrects.
"And you're so MEAN!" WWX exclaims, laughing. "Telling people their dicks are boring or uninspired."
"Not the dicks," LWJ corrects.
"Eh?"
"The dicks are not critiqued, only the pictures. The way they are presented. Each dick deserves to be shown to its best advantage."
WWX's mirth is beautiful. He tries to pull on a frown and can't quite manage it.
"You certainly critiqued my pictures harshly HungOneJun!"
"The dicks are not critiqued, only the pictures. The way they are presented. Each dick deserves to be shown to its best advantage."
WWX's mirth is beautiful. He tries to pull on a frown and can't quite manage it.
"You certainly critiqued my pictures harshly HungOneJun!"
"Had to be," LWJ replies seriously. "Wei Ying's dick is very beautiful. It deserves to be the subject of equally beautiful photographs."
WWX blushes as red as his robe and flings himself facedown on the bed.
"Lan ZHAN you CANNOT just say things like that!"
WWX blushes as red as his robe and flings himself facedown on the bed.
"Lan ZHAN you CANNOT just say things like that!"
He peeks back up then with a devious gleam in his eye.
"You'll simply have to take responsibility, then," he says, "by taking the kind of photograph my beautiful dick deserves."
LWJ would be thrilled to oblige. He sets the camera down & walks over to rearrange WWX on the bed.
"You'll simply have to take responsibility, then," he says, "by taking the kind of photograph my beautiful dick deserves."
LWJ would be thrilled to oblige. He sets the camera down & walks over to rearrange WWX on the bed.
WWX shudders, a little, as LWJ draws him back up to a kneeling position and gently moves his limbs into position. He combs WWX's hair with his fingers so it flows like a spill of ink down his torso. He adjusts the fall of the robe so it shows some, but not all, of his lovely body
WWX's breath catches as LWJ's hands hover at his sides.
"Wei Ying, may I touch you?"
WWX licks his lips and almost whimpers, "please."
"Wei Ying, may I touch you?"
WWX licks his lips and almost whimpers, "please."
LWJ pinches his nipples, and WWX gasps. He plucks at them and rolls them under his thumbs until they're flushed and erect.
He flutters his fingers down WWX's stomach and follows the trail of hair down below his navel.
WWX bites his lip and whines when LWJ grips his cock.
He flutters his fingers down WWX's stomach and follows the trail of hair down below his navel.
WWX bites his lip and whines when LWJ grips his cock.
LWJ pumps it a few times, until a single, perfect bead of precome forms on the head.
When he lets go, WWX exclaims, "Lan ZHAN!" and he sounds so wrecked and needy already that LWJ almost abandons his project entirely to push him down on the bed and have him right then.
Almost.
When he lets go, WWX exclaims, "Lan ZHAN!" and he sounds so wrecked and needy already that LWJ almost abandons his project entirely to push him down on the bed and have him right then.
Almost.
"Patience Wei Ying," he says instead. "Remember why we are doing this."
He fixes WWX's robe again and steps back. WWX sways after him before catching himself and pouts, "So mean, Lan Zhan." His eyes are bright and his lips are begging to be kissed—the very picture of temptation
He fixes WWX's robe again and steps back. WWX sways after him before catching himself and pouts, "So mean, Lan Zhan." His eyes are bright and his lips are begging to be kissed—the very picture of temptation
LWJ picks up the camera and frames his shot. Wei Ying is just as stunning as he imagined. LWJ captures him from the mouth down, all golden skin and black hair, the bright red of his robes, the blush on his lips and nipples and cock, lines of his body limned by the evening glow.
He snaps a few shots, then reframes to take one just for him, with the whole of Wei Ying's gorgeous, wanting expression and bright eyes as well, before bringing the camera closer and turning it to show Wei Ying.
"This is how you deserve to be photographed," he says. "Beautiful."
"This is how you deserve to be photographed," he says. "Beautiful."
"Well, you're the expert," laughs WWX, a little shaky. "Lan Zhan, you've made me look so sexy!"
"Wei Ying did that," LWJ insists, "I merely know how to capture it."
"You'd better put that camera down and capture something else, if you're gonna keep talking like that."
He does.
"Wei Ying did that," LWJ insists, "I merely know how to capture it."
"You'd better put that camera down and capture something else, if you're gonna keep talking like that."
He does.
"Wei Ying, you're sure?" LWJ asks, later.
"Oh yes, Lan Zhan, if my quest must be over, I want some recognition, at least," WWX replies.
"Oh yes, Lan Zhan, if my quest must be over, I want some recognition, at least," WWX replies.
A new post goes up from HungOneJun:
"An ideal dick pic: Note the framing of the subject, the use of light and color, and the posing of the body. The hand at the base of the cock and the glimpse of open mouth, in particular, make this shot especially erotic. Thanks to model YLLZ"
"An ideal dick pic: Note the framing of the subject, the use of light and color, and the posing of the body. The hand at the base of the cock and the glimpse of open mouth, in particular, make this shot especially erotic. Thanks to model YLLZ"
"There," says Lan Zhan, turning to give his boyfriend a satisfied kiss.
Wei Ying never does get his A+ rating, but this is even better.
// the end! <3
Wei Ying never does get his A+ rating, but this is even better.
// the end! <3
