I'm sleep deprived & have some time on my hands so here's a thread rating non-human beards & mustaches. 🧵
Bearded dragon, named for its spiky "beard." It can puff its beard up to look intimidating when stressed, but when it's not puffed up, you might as well call it the stubbled dragon. 3/10
📷: André Karwath & Obolton, wikipedia
Bearded dragon, named for its spiky "beard." It can puff its beard up to look intimidating when stressed, but when it's not puffed up, you might as well call it the stubbled dragon. 3/10: André Karwath & Obolton, wikipedia
Bearded dragon, named for its spiky "beard." It can puff its beard up to look intimidating when stressed, but when it's not puffed up, you might as well call it the stubbled dragon. 3/10: André Karwath & Obolton, wikipedia
Bearded vulture. Would be a more impressive beard on a less interesting bird, but that mane steals the show. This "beard" is more of a soul patch, really. 4/10
📷: Richard Bartz, wikipedia
Bornean bearded pig. The volume is admirable and the placement is aesthetically adventurous, but it could benefit from a little styling. 7/10.
📷: Art G., wikipedia
Markhor. Now we're talking. Goats are known to have great beards and this is a great representative. Looks like a shampoo commercial. 9/10.
📷: Rufus46, wikipedia
Emperor tamarin. The beard leaves a bit to be desired, but the mustache is putting in some serious work. Points for the striking high-contrast coloration. 8/10
📷: Brocken Inaglory, wikipedia
Orangutan. A beautiful, fiery red beard/mustache combo. This is a triumph of facial hair. 10/10
📷: Tim Laman, wikipedia
Walrus. They're known for their whiskers, which are actually called vibrissae (they have their own blood and nerves, making them sensitive unlike hair). Anyway, decent mustache. Often imitated, never duplicated. 8/10
📷: Megapixie, wikipedia
Oyster toadfish. I honestly didn't think I'd find good examples of fish beards but here we have a solid attempt. While not made of hair, these "fluffy" barbels help the fish feel for prey on the sea floor, so I'll allow it. 6/10
📷: Paul Huber, iNaturalist
Catfish. There's a common misconception that the "whiskers" will sting you, but the sting is actually delivered by sharp spines in their fins. The mustache/beard combo, made of sensory barbels, is a pretty iconic look. 7/10
📷: public domain, wikipedia
Inca tern. Stop what you're doing and give this mustache your undivided attention. Absolutely spectacular. The length of the mustache signals longevity and vitality to potential mates, so it just keeps getting better with age. 10/10
📷: Lincoln Park Zoo
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