Last night I watched @aaas's screening of @PictureaSciFilm. Knew the story from when it broke, but listening to @jkwillenbring talk abt Antarctica caused me to re-consider my worst experience as a field tech before grad school. Mine was not as terrible - but.

A thread.

I was hired as a tech on a study to support a PhD student on his last year of field research. The study was on birds. I had already done bird work in HI and knew it wasn't my career-jam, but I enjoyed it & I needed a job. It was also not in the US, so I was excited abt that. 2/n

I don't remember how quickly I realized this job was not going to be like the others (I'd already worked in HI, Yellowstone, KY). We rarely took a day off, for one. But I also struggled. I had trouble re-sighting birds to map their territories and reading their leg bands... 3/n

...sighting birds is hard for me to this day. I think in part bc my hearing isn't great (I blame many many punk shows growing up).

I also didn't have stellar binoculars. My boss, the PhD student, looked through them once twrds end of the season, commented on their quality...4/n

I think my struggles in this job were what started it, but I've blocked a lot of that field season. If asked abt it, I'd say it sucked, that my boss, the PhD student, was a jerk. In listening to another woman talk abt her #harassment in the field.. my time there was not. ok. 5/n

My boss, the PhD student, did not try to help me improve. He belittled me & bullied me. He made me feel stupid &worthless; I was under constant fear of screwing up & being demeaned. I also had few days off- when not in the field he gave me add'l work I could do at the house...6/n

I remember having irrational thoughts - like I would never leave or see my parents again. I knew this wasn't true, but it *felt* true in my soul. I remember breaking down in tears in the field when I was out on my own and knew he couldn't hear... 7/n

I broke out in different rashes all over my body and had weird mental reactions to taking showers. The rashes were so bad I finally asked my boss, the PhD student, abt them bc they just did not seem normal. Was there something here in this non-US place I had caught?... 8/n

... he condescendingly told me "well. when we're outside things bite you sometimes and it itches".

I grew up outside. I had already worked field seasons in backcountry Yellowstone, Hawai'i, and Kentucky. 9/n

I looked back at my journal entries from this field season last night. All of them are me trying to talk myself out of my depression, trying to focus on things that I was learning.

Most have tear stains. Most say it feels like I will never leave. 10/n

In add'n to this, there was an instance that feels even more egregious. Before I left for this job, I had applied to an IGERT PhD program at Scripps. Halfway through the field season, I found out I was one of 15 finalists and invited to Scripps to give a talk... 11/n

I remember when this happened - and I had remembered that my boss, the PhD student, made me cry when I told him, made me feel terrible for leaving. That I would destroy his research if I went... 12/n

What I DID NOT remember until I read my journal, is that he didn't just make me feel awful.

He told me IT WOULDN'T MATTER IF I DIDN'T GO.

That I didn't just go. I fretted over it for days bc he told me I would ruin the season - & *it wasn't imp for me to give the talk*.13/n

I did go. But it was my parents who were crystal that I needed to (to which my boss told me "this isn't abt what your parents want, it's abt what you want" <--- just F this guy so hard).

The field season was fine. 14/n

And, so we're clear, I wasn't getting paid. The project covered my flight, the house we lived in together, and meals, so I had no expenses.

But I was not paid one cent by this man. 15/n

When we think abt #harassment in the field, I think we have specific ideas in mind. Those happen and must be addressed.

But if we want to talk abt this 'leaky pipeline' we have to see more than those examples.

This was my experience - one I downplayed for. years. 16/n

The thing is, I take after my mom. I am a happy person by nature. In addition, I had an *entire 24 years* on this planet with ppl telling me I belonged and that I could do anything I wanted.

I had this foundation I didn't even know was there to keep me in science. 17/n

I honestly do not know where I would be right now w/o that. I was deeply depressed,then didn't get in to the IGERT program. I had a boss actively working against my best interests. It was the privileges in my life that meant I did not leave science- things OUTSIDE my control 18/n

How often do ppl w/more power put their interests above those working for them in the field?

My boss, the PhD student, must've known the imp of giving that IGERT talk. He never congratulated me on being a finalist.

He made me cry & worked to undermine my career. 19/n

I know this thread is long. I'm livid abt things *I've* brushed aside for yrs.

It's not a leaky pipeline. It's actively benefiting some over others, it's saying those experiences don't matter THAT much - when they can be the experiences that matter THE MOST #PictureAScientist

FYI of course I google my old boss, the PhD student.

He’s an associate prof. While lab website & Twitter look outdated and inactive - the most recent version of the website show all his 3 grad students are young women.

One of the few tweets is abt the lack of women in science.