#bkdk #bakudeku light angst, pining, happy ending always

'I wish I could forgive you for leaving me.'

Katsuki stares at the words he's scrawled at the top of the page. He reads them aloud, only at a whisper, but still, just to hear them, to test them.

He sighs. Crosses them out with angry red pen, slicing right through the paper, he uses such force. As such, it's a useless sheet now. He crumples it and tosses it behind him where it joins the pile of similarly discarded wrong words.

'Ok. I'm not mad. That's just easier.

I miss you.'

Another sigh. This paper gets singed before joining the others.

Katsuki leans back in his chair, tilting it until he's in danger of falling. But he doesn't. He rubs his eyes, pretends he isn't close to tears.

He stands then, collects all the papers, lying like landmines across the floor and chucks them into the wastebasket. He gets a glass of water, checks his phone. His phone. He scrolls until he finds Deku's name and a picture of his smiling face.

It would have been so much easier to text. Easier and faster, but also more real. Because Deku would be able to answer back immediately. Isn't that what Katsuki wants? Yes. Yes and no.

The truth is, he is mad. And that makes him feel guilty. Because he's proud of Deku for choosing to go overseas. He deserves the recognition and the opportunities he's been given, every one. But that still doesn't change the fact that there's a Deku shaped void in Katsuki's life.

Katsuki had thought it would be easy, so he hadn't confessed. Deku would be gone for a few months and then he'd be back and by then Katsuki would be ready to lay it all out on the table, his heart. But a few months turned into a year into a few years, with no end in sight.

And so, Katsuki is plagued with the terrible but realistic thought, 'what if Deku never comes home?'

They do text. They even talk on the phone occasionally. Video chats have happened. But Katsuki has never once asked about the length of his stay, it's ever-changing finish line.

The letter is a suggestion from Kirishima.

"When Mina and I were long distance, we wrote to each other, the old-fashioned way. Really romantic. Manly stuff!"

"Deku and I aren't dating, though. We're just friends."

"You can write letters to your friends too, man. Just send one! I'm sure he'd be thrilled to get something from you. He sent us a postcard."

"He what?" Katsuki had asked, practically growling, making Kirishima look down in shame.

"It's nothing personal if he didn't send you something or maybe it got lost in the mail."

"Tch."

So the idea of letters had been out. Until they seemed like the only thing he had left, so he might as well try.

TBC

He's finger hovers over 'Deku' in his phone, their last "conversation", from months ago still there to mock him.

[Me] Hey nerd

...

[Deku] Oh, sorry Kacchan, I didn't see your text

[Me] S'fine

[Deku] So what's up?

[Me] Nothing. Just wanted to see how you are.

[Deku] Oh? I'm good. Staying out of trouble. You?

[Me] That's good. I'm good.

[Deku] Hey, I gotta run, but let's catch up soon, okay?

[Me] Yeah, okay.

"Conversation," is too generous here.

Seventeen years. Seventeen years, they'd known each other and this is how they talk to each other now? Stilted, stale small talk. Shit. Since when? He sincerely wants to know, because something has changed. Is it really just because for Deku he's out of sight, out of mind?

Fuck, but the distance hasn't done anything to change Katsuki's heart. If anything, it's making it worse. The ever present ache in his chest is no longer soothed by a bright smile or incessant muttering, or a determined look in big green eyes.

/Fuck this/ he thinks as he sinks into his bed. He's still clutching the phone, still contemplating his next move. Move? He sighs. There's no way he can type all he wants to say, his hands can't keep up with his brain. So he turns on voice text. Time to speak from the heart.

"Deku. I fucking miss you, okay. Maybe this seems out of the blue to you, but it's not. This isn't new for me. We used to talk, right? At least every now and then, but now we just...don't. And I hate it. I feel like you're completely gone from my life.

Do you miss me? Even a little? If you don't, maybe don't answer that, nerd. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say, but...I wish you'd come home, I guess. Maybe that's selfish of me. You're probably kicking ass, whatever you're up to. I've tried to catch you on the news, but

I haven't seen much. Not like I thought I would. I guess, when you get this, just...call me okay. I'd like to hear your voice. I love you, Deku."

He read it back and rolled his eyes at himself. How fuckin' cheesy. No, he's not gonna send it. Of course he isn't.

You don't tell your childhood friend who you haven't seen in 4 years that you love him via text message. But damn, did it feel good to say. He moves to delete the text, thinking that that's exactly what he should try putting in a letter, but then the unthinkable happens.

Instead of deleting the texts, he accidentally presses send.

TBC

Like an idiot, he doesn't notice at first. He sighs and sets his phone aside, forcing himself to get a glass of water before really getting ready for bed. But as he moves towards the door, he halts, a wave of dread suddenly crashing over him; he needs to check, just to be sure.

Katsuki returns to his bedside table and as soon as he picks up the phone again, his eyes bug out of his head, like a damn cartoon. Nononononononononononononooo!!!!!
FUCK! He runs his hand through his bangs, pulling them back and holding them there. He gulps. He's frozen.

So what does he do now? Text more? Elaborate, clarify? Text, 'Just Kidding!' of 'Dunce Face stole my phone.' Ugh, no, that's completely cowardly and unfair to Deku. But he's panicking. He can't be expected to think straight. Should he call?

Surely not. If he calls, he'll just come across as more desperate. Well, rejection is nigh either way, he may as well be honest. Shit, but it's been a couple minutes already and no response yet.

/Time difference/ he reminds himself. Deku might not be up yet, or maybe he's working out or making breakfast or getting ready for work...oh wow, he's in it now. Okay, this is not ideal, but he can fix it. He will wait for Deku to respond and then come clean, lay it all out.

Katsuki wants to scream. He thinks about calling Kirishima to complain to his friend about his own stupidity and rashness, but he can already hear the encouraging words, and at this point they'll just annoy him.

Well, he's not going to sleep until he hears from the nerd, that's for sure. Still, he goes about his nighttime routine, phone still in hand, just waiting for it to buzz, even as he pulls the covers up over him. Surprisingly though, he does doze. He must.

Because sometime in the middle of the night there's a knock at the door. What the hell? He rubs the sleep out of his eyes, checks his phone out of habit, still no word. Sleepily he tosses on a robe and shuffles towards the door. a fine image for a pro hero.

Katsuki yawns as he opens the door. He can't help it. And he's greeted by a surprising, yet. familiar face.

"Hi Kacchan."

TBC

"Deku," Katsuki gulps, all the sleepiness suddenly drained from him, replaced with frantic energy, "what're you.../how/ are you..."

But Deku cuts him off with a bone-crushing hug. Shit is he crying? He's muttering something, but Katsuki's so shocked he's barely listening.

"I'm so sorry, Kacchan."

"What for?" he asks. He assumes for the forthcoming rejection.

"I haven't been totally honest with you."

"About..."

"I've been here for the last six months. In Japan, I mean."

Katsuki's eyes go wide. "You what?"

"On a secret mission. I wanted to tell you, Kacchan, I wanted to so bad, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone I was home, not even my mom. Actually...I still haven't told her. You're the first person, I..." he trails off.

Katsuki still feels frozen. He's trying to process everything Deku is saying, but there's a glitch in his brain or something.

"Wait, wait, slow down, Deku. Do you...here, sit down. Let me get you a drink or something. Tea?"

Deku nods, but asks, "how about a beer, actually."

"Tch. Okay, nerd. Whatever you want. Take a deep breath."

Deku obeys. He sits on the couch and breathes long, slow, deep breaths through his nose. Katsuki never takes his eyes off him as he pours the beer, setting it down in front of Deku, for whenever he opens his eyes again.

"Thank you, Kacchan. Where do I start?"

"Well, I'd really like to know how you ended up here in my apartment: why, and why now...but how about you start wherever you want."

Deku takes a long sip of the beer and another breath, then looks up at Katsuki with doe eyes. Dammit.

"Can't you sit too. I'm nervous as it is, without you towering over me."

"Oh, shit. Sorry."

Katsuki immediately sits on the floor, cross legged, leaning against the coffee table.

Deku offers a small smile and it lights Katsuki's heart on fire. He's feigning patience, but really he needs to know, more than anything, did he read the texts, so just as Deku opens his mouth to speak, he preemptively interrupts. "Did you read my texts?"

"Huh?" Asks Deku, his face twisting into confusion.

He didn't read the texts.

"Never mind. Go ahead."

"I haven't had my phone. I still don't. Kacchan..."

Deku's eyes are full of tears and shit, how is he supposed to handle this.

He jumps up, too quickly, bangs his knee on the table, but he pretends like it doesn't hurt and he sits himself next to Deku, taking his hands in his. He's running on pure instinct now.

"I can do this, I can do this," says Deku, muttering to himself. He doesn't pull away.

Katsuki's mind races with hundreds of thoughts all at once. In Japan for the last six months, on a secret mission, didn't have his phone, for the last six months, so that meant...

"Deku, when we texted a few months ago..."

"It wasn't me, Kacchan. Just someone from the agency sending generic messages."

"So then why are you here? Sorry, I said start wherever you want, but...what happened to the mission, is everything alright? Are you alright?"

"I quit the mission."

TBC

"Why?" Katsuki asks. He wants to look away, at anywhere but those big open eyes, I but at the same time he can't tear himself away. Not now. He's afraid of the answer and he's desperate for it.

"Because I was tired."

"Oh." It's not what he's hoping for. So finally he does look down, examining the grain of the wood in the coffee table, painfully aware that their hands are still linked.

"Tired of being away from you," says Deku. Katsuki's head shoots up so fast.

Deku's eyes are full of tears. He's blubbery now, like he's been countless times. And there's so many questions Katsuki needs to ask, things he needs to say, but instead he just pulls him into a tight hug, longing to comfort him. He rubs Deku's back, urges him to breathe.

When he calms down, Katsuki pulls away to face him.

"But you were already away from me, for so long, in America."

"I know," Deku replies, wiping at his tear, "and it wasn't easy. I missed you so much, but I liked the job; and we still talked..."

"You missed me?"

"Of course!"

Deku doesn't elaborate and Katsuki doesn't know what to say, so they both remain silent for a time. A minute, a year? Who knows. Katsuki's trying hard not to make any assumptions. Deku hasn't said the thing he needs to hear the most. Not yet.

"I know we fell off a little and that's my fault," Deku continues.

"No, Deku, it's not. You were busy, we both were, the time difference is a lot."

"But I always /wanted/ to talk to you, Kacchan! I could have made time. I should have."

"Well, you're talkin' to me now."

"Anyway, I thought I could make up for lost time when I came home. When I first accepted the job here, I didn't know it was a secret. I was about to call you actually, to tell you I'd be coming back, but...then I couldn't. No contact with anyone."

"Except now you quit," Katsuki says, bringing it back to the present. "And you're saying you quit because...because..."

"Because I hated being so close to you and yet so far. It was worse than when I was gone."

"You quit a mission, because of me," Katsuki says. It's not a question. He's just sounding it out to himself, turning it in his mind, because that can't be right.

Deku inhales sharply. He squeezes Katsuki's hand.

"Kacchan. I'm in love with you."

TBC

Katsuki stares. He forgets to breathe. Time simply stops.

"What did you say?"

"Look, I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear from me, but when I quit, I told myself I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. I had to face it. Face you."

"It's not the last thing I want to hear from you, Deku. It's the /only/ thing I want to hear from you."

"Huh?" Deku looks startled, and Katsuki doesn't blame him, because he jumps up and stalks away quickly to his bedroom, retrieving both the wastebasket and his phone.

Theatrically, Katsuki dumps the contents of his trash and consequently the contents of his heart onto the floor, grabbing them up, uncrumpling the unsent letters. And he reads.

"I wish I could forgive you for leaving me. Ok. I'm not mad. That's just easier. Deku, I love you. I wish you were here. Why did you have to leave just when things were getting good..."

He read the bits and pieces that lay scattered, piecing them together like a puzzle.

Actually, when read together, it almost made perfect sense, his thought process. And then he read the texts.

Not it was Deku's turn to stare.

"I'm in love with you too, Deku," Katsuki says. And Damn does it feel good to finally say it.

In person, like he should have done before, a long time ago. He shows the texts too, like he's submitting it for evidence. And then he's pulling Deku in by the hair to kiss him like there's no tomorrow. Except now that Deku's back there are hopefully many, many tomorrows.

"So what now," Katsuki asks.

"I don't know, Kacchan. But I'm home. And I'm staying."

"And you're alright. The mission is alright."

"Yes."

"Come work with me. Let's work...together. That's how it should be, right?"

Deku nods. "Yes, Kacchan. Together."

So they are.

The End

Epilogue: Katsuki explains how he didn't mean to send the voice texts, he had just been venting and Deku only teases him a little. They decide to send the intern at Deku's agency a nice gift for dealing with that shit.