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I've been thinking a lot about my life, where I'm at, where I'm heading, where I've come from.
Roughly 2.5-3 years ago I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth, dropped out of Michigan State.
I think all the time about how to explain to everyone why that happened and
Roughly 2.5-3 years ago I just kind of dropped off the face of the earth, dropped out of Michigan State.
I think all the time about how to explain to everyone why that happened and
what was going on with me.
For so long I've been worried about how people will react to what I have to say, or think about how I've handled myself. I'm just at the point now where trying to keep that all in and act like nothing happened is a burden.
For so long I've been worried about how people will react to what I have to say, or think about how I've handled myself. I'm just at the point now where trying to keep that all in and act like nothing happened is a burden.
Who am I if I can't be honest about who I am and what I went through?
My second semester of my sophomore year at MSU, I developed an eating disorder. I guess there are a lot of things that factored in. I'm sure genetics played some part from what I've learned.
My second semester of my sophomore year at MSU, I developed an eating disorder. I guess there are a lot of things that factored in. I'm sure genetics played some part from what I've learned.
I was obviously heavily involved in boxing and training which set up the ability for that to happen. Frankly I don't know, I can't just point to one thing and say "Yeah, that's why I got this."
But, it did. It manifested really quickly.
But, it did. It manifested really quickly.
I was angry all the time, I was mad at everyone and hateful because of how I felt inside. SO much else was going on that intertwined with that disease and just took a stranglehold on my life in every facet.
At first everything on the cover looked really good, clean cut, and perfect. I tried to project that, but it was bullshit. The more it looked like things were going well for me, the harder it became to keep that up.
The more difficult it was to handle things that I thought I could control, but in reality, had zero control over.
There were so many things that happened when I was alone that are hard to explain, and that I woudn't wish on anyone.
There were so many things that happened when I was alone that are hard to explain, and that I woudn't wish on anyone.
I couldn't handle the pressure of being an athlete, of the expectations I'd set for myself and that others bolstered. So many thought that I was brave and motivated, courageous and a dream chaser.
I was just afraid. I was terrified every single day of failure or not living up to something.
The things that I did to myself mentally and to my body in trying to prepare were always driven by fear. That's something so important to note.
The things that I did to myself mentally and to my body in trying to prepare were always driven by fear. That's something so important to note.
Every push up, every punch, every mile ran, wasn't headed toward something, but trying to put distance between myself and everythign that I couldn't handle.
That facade cracked for me over the summer that year after I'd already dropped out.
That facade cracked for me over the summer that year after I'd already dropped out.
My heart was on the virge of cardiac failure because of the illness I had and the strain it was putting my body through. It took me even longer to find out why this was happening, and accepting it was a longer process.
I'm thankful to say that I've been recovered for nearly three years now due to intense rehab and a conglomeration of just about every medical intervention in the books.
I hope this doesn't come across as some BS badge of honor. I don't see it that way at all.
I hope this doesn't come across as some BS badge of honor. I don't see it that way at all.
I just know that no matter how well I do in my life, even on a better path now, if I don't willingly and emphatically embrace who I was and continue to pretend that nothing happened, it's always going to haunt me.
It's always just going to hangout in the back of my head and prevent me from being myself around the people I care about or want to care about. I'm done with that.
This has been sitting in my drafts since I recorded a podcast at the end of summer talking about what happened and
This has been sitting in my drafts since I recorded a podcast at the end of summer talking about what happened and
and how I got to where I am today from where I was. It's time that I share that with everyone. You don't have to listen, but I just have to put this out there to be me.
I'm Mark Schindler, I had an eating disorder, it almost killed me, but I'm ok now. I'm more than ok now. I wasn't my disease, and I'm still learning how to fully be myself still every single day. Thank you to everyone in my life who has helped me to learn how to be human again
because I definitley lost that for a while. Life is so good now, and I'm still a work in progress, but we all are. It took me a while to realize that, but I have now, and I think that's what counts.
(Here's that pod I mentioned) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-38-boxing-weight-cutting-eating-disorder-recovery/id1447574916?i=1000495568992
(Here's that pod I mentioned) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-38-boxing-weight-cutting-eating-disorder-recovery/id1447574916?i=1000495568992
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me grow as a person and professional this year. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had in such a short time. Really looking forward to improving as a writer and in all facets of covering the league.
- Mark
- Mark
