Empaths and codependency:

A thread.

We've all heard of people who are upset at "empaths" because a relationship that was meant to help turned into something manipulative, controlling and hostile.

We've all heard about empaths that have lost themselves in a connection they had with someone who they wanted to help.

In order to grasp what could make empathy turn into codependency, we have to understand the basics.

As usual, I will define the terms we will use and then dive deeper into the main subject. I might snatch a few wigs while I'm at it. We might cry and we might laugh at ourselves.

What is an empath?

The term comes from the word empathy, which is the ability to understand how others feel. An empath is an highly sensitive individual who intuitively sense what others are experiencing or thinking. They pick up on cues that give them insights.

What is codependency?

·Being affected by the behaviors of someone to the point of becoming obsessed with controlling their actions and of losing yourself in fixing them.

·Codependency appears when your identity, self-esteem and mood are dependent on what this person does.

Why are empaths prone to codependency?

If one lacks the boundaries required to protect themselves from excessive emotional stimulation (other people's mood and actions), they might start imagining that the route to peace is through controlling what others do, say, think, feel.

Where does empathy merge with codependency?

·When there's no longer a difference between "I understand what you feel" 𝑎𝑛𝑑 "I feel your emotions as if they were mine. Therefore I must do something about it, starting with fixing and controlling you."

·When in order to feel peace, you have to fix others first.

·When you make others rely on your presence and help too much, yet you depend on their mood to feel good.

·When your dependence on others (can't help but help them) is used to create a dependence on you.

I will say it again:

·When your dependence on others is used as a way to create a dependence on you. Look at all the ways in which you're over-giving as a way to make sure that the other person will never think of leaving you.

Signs that your relationship is falling into codependency:

·You're tormented by your partner's behavior.

·You feel responsible for their well-being, but you refuse to look at your own choices and to take responsibility for what you create in your life.

·You give too much.

·The relationship is mentally and emotionally draining, yet your fantasies and hopes for how your partner will be once they follow your guidance, are your "fix".

·You really feel like your need to help stem from love and kindness, you don't understand why things are frustrating.

·When you compare yourself to your partner, you feel like you're the healthy one, the wise and loyal one, the person who teaches them to be better...

·You don't notice that the obsession, despair and rage you sometimes feel are an indicator that you need as much help as them.

·You feel like you're the only one who notices that your partner is going in a terrible direction when it comes to their life.

·It feels like something must be done about it and NOW. If only they could follow your guidance or love you as much as you love them, you think.

·You're so absorbed in the life and problems of your partner, you don't have the awareness nor the time to fix all the angst they make you feel. Which starts with how much you obsess about them.

·You feel guilty when you don't help. You feel responsible when they succeed.

·You feel that your partner uses things or people outside of themselves to feel better and you take pride in not needing anything to feel great, yet you don't see how much you rely on them to feel good or how helping them has become a way to escape your thoughts and feelings.

·You've always felt guilty for how much others are unable to take care of themselves.

·It often seems like your partner doesn't understand who they are. They never take responsibility for how they make you feel.

·You think that helping them get better will lead you to peace.

What is the root of over-empathy and codependency?

·Possibly, you grew up in an environment that felt unstable and as a way to cope with the stress, you paid close attention to how your care-givers felt in order to anticipate what you could happen in the next moment.

·As a child, there might have been in your household behaviors that felt abnormal, but there were invisible rules in place that prevented you from having honest conversations about what was going on.

·You learned that indirect communication for your expectations was acceptable.

·You've witnessed your care-givers engage in behaviors that were destructive. You absolutely don't want to repeat these, but you always seem to help people who exude the same virulent traits as your parents.

·Your way of doing things is destroying you, but you don't know better.

How do we fix it? How do we make it stop?

Kindly give me a day or so to write down that part. Your questions will also help me know what information I should give, feel free to comment below.

Come back tomorrow to not miss the thread about solutions!