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What's the term for when someone who doesn't actually understand the work you're doing bombards you with unhelpful resources and offers for connections in an attempt to "help" you with that work?
I'm sure they mean well but they're not helping and often end up wasting my time.
I'm sure they mean well but they're not helping and often end up wasting my time.
Men have been doing this to me a lot lately. They want to be helpful but not in a way that requires them to take the time to understand what it is I'm doing.
95% of the time I'm already aware of whatever it is they're sending me, and it's related but not materially useful.
95% of the time I'm already aware of whatever it is they're sending me, and it's related but not materially useful.
Recently after literally one sentence about how I spend most of my time reading/thinking/speaking/writing about tech-facilitated domestic violence, a guy sent me a link to a feminist group working against unethical uses of data and told me I'd "love to connect" with the authors.
It's an important project and the authors seem like my kind of people! I would love to meet them and talk at a conference. But in terms of my work getting technologists to understand and combat tech-facilitated domestic violence, connecting isn't a good use of my time.
I know that what I'm doing isn't super straight-forward. But it bothers me that people (let's be honest, it's always men who do this) don't seem to even try to understand what would actually be helpful, or who I'm already connected with, before throwing links at me.
I don't get why they assume I'm unaware of whatever they're sending me. Why not take the time to ask "have you heard of X?" instead of immediately sending a link? I've been sent SO many articles I've already read and links to groups/people whose work I'm already following.
I can't help but feel like this would happen less if I were a man. It all smacks of benevolent sexism and a weird patriarchal assumption that I NEED their resources and connections in order to be successful. And that I should be super grateful for their "help."
I'm not saying I don't value help!
I'm just sick of men assuming that something they have will be useful to me when they don't understand what I'm doing, and how I then have to spend time and emotional energy explaining that it's not helpful in a way that protects their egos.
I'm just sick of men assuming that something they have will be useful to me when they don't understand what I'm doing, and how I then have to spend time and emotional energy explaining that it's not helpful in a way that protects their egos.
Recently I was chatting with a new friend who mentioned one of his friends who does somewhat related work. It happens that friend is a HERO of mine. I said that, and he offered to connect us, and I got to interview her. It was incredible and I am so grateful to that new friend.
In that situation, we had spent maybe 5 minutes talking about my work and my goals. That's it! 5 minutes. And he was able to identify someone in his network whose work was related and who I might benefit from being introduced to. Because he *took the time to understand.*
This as opposed to the man in a new slack I'm in who responded to my single sentence about my work with a link to a group and an offer for an introduction that I do not in any way need. The group IS cool, but setting up a Zoom with them would be a waste of everyone's time.
Maybe it's the designer in me that makes this seem so obvious, but: if you actually want to help someone, take the time to understand them and their problems first. And don't make assumptions about what knowledge and connections they already have.
I think that ultimately these men are less concerned with actually helping me and more concerned with feeling helpful.
Being helpful in a meaningful way requires a tiny amount of work. If you're eager to be helpful but unwilling to do that small amount of labor, maybe you're not actually that eager to help.
