Ok, today's thoughts on neurodiversity, mental illness and disability:

A thread on executive dysfunction and anxiety

At the moment I am receiving proper treatment for my anxiety and burn-out and the thing that truly amazes me is what impact this treatment has had on my ADHD traits, specifically my executive dysfunction

For those unfamiliar with the term executive dysfunction is one of the most infuriating symptoms of ADHD - an inability to organise and prioritise tasks. It's a complex thing and I don't really understand it myself https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.additudemag.com/7-executive-function-deficits-linked-to-adhd/amp/

What I am talking about most here is the paralyzing procrastination limbo where you know exactly you have to do something but just can't. And because it's so silly to be failing at such simple but important things they just build up until they overwhelm you

I was over a week late in accepting my PhD funding. I'm pretty sure I am still banned from German Amazon. It took me 3.5 years after the Brexit referendum to sort out my immigration stuff. God knows how much I have paid in late fines over the course of my life

The most amazing effect of my anxiety treatment (sick leave, counceling, medication, meditation) has been the effect it has had on my executive dysfunction. After returning to work I was amazed at how much better I was at certain things and I've been thinking about why that is

I've been wondering about why my executive functioning would improve so much with the treatment of my anxiety.

There are different theories on why people with ADHD struggle with executive function, like for example that it stems from a difficulty in understanding sequences

I'm starting to think that in my case executive dysfunction is behavior I have learned to protect myself from the very real consequences of growing up with a brain that doesn't quite work how it's supposed to

I struggle to fill in forms, keep track of money, remember deadlines, to keep my paperwork in order. And to other's these problems have often seemed like carelessness. And so people have become angry with me for things I couldn't understand

All kind of administrative procedures, especially those involving money, feel like a minefield. So many things that I know are supposed to be easy I have screwed up and ended up in trouble about. It's no wonder it's giving me anxiety

The reason working this out is so important to me is there is a big difference between executive dysfunction just being part of how my brain works or actually being a learned reaction in response to painful experiences.

And this is a problem with how we talk about ADHD (and other neurodivergences). I'm looking at the symptoms listed on the NHS website and yes, they are all familiar but they are all descriptions of how someone with ADHD reacts to distress

I am not saying that neurodivergences can't be disabeling in themselves and I am not devaluing anyone who feels that way about how their brain works. But for many people, including me, I think that description is only us when we're not coping

And it makes me sad for the missing definitions of healty neurodivergencies. What would we look like without the psychological scaring? And what does it mean that the only way we can be diagnosed and get support is through our suffering?