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i hope this doesn't appear self-centered, but i often get asked what my "secret" is for helping with gender, if i have any tips, or someone will come to me saying that their friend is questioning and they don't know what to do, so i'd like to do a thread with my general advice:
1) be reassuring. gender's big and scary and it's hard to navigate alone, so be understanding and reassure them that it's okay to be confused, it's okay to not immediately have all the answers, it's okay to take things slowly, etc etc.
2) don't try to "force" anything on them.
2) don't try to "force" anything on them.
as much as it's fun to joke about force femming for instance, gender isn't something prescribed. i don't care how "certain" you are that someone is trans, do not *push* it on them. it is entirely counterproductive and harmful. gentle nudging is one thing, but do not harm them.
3) their comfort is #1 priority. nothing can be accomplished if they don't feel safe and relaxed enough to talk to you. understand that these things do not happen instantly. i've had continuous conversations span over months, and that's fine.
4) let them steer the conversation.
4) let them steer the conversation.
i view myself as a tour guide for gender, in a sense, where they pick the path and i walk them down it. i usually prompt someone to say whatever's on their mind and then work from there. by that i mean, answering their questions and weaving in as much advice & wisdom as possible.
5) understand that there is no universal trans experience. everyone i've talked to has had a different relationship with gender and took a different path. there are similarities and you'll find yourself saying the same things often times, but there is no "one size fits all" path.
by this i mean: do not dictate which path they are to go down. that is antithetical to helping.
6) be knowledgeable. this one is easier said than done and much of it comes with experience, but people ask me all SORTS of questions and i wouldn't be 1/2 as effective if all i said-
6) be knowledgeable. this one is easier said than done and much of it comes with experience, but people ask me all SORTS of questions and i wouldn't be 1/2 as effective if all i said-
was "i don't know" to every question. i've improved with time, but generally just be prepared to be asked about anything
7) be open. this is a followup to #6 in that many questions are often personal in nature, but it wouldn't be helpful to say "sorry that's private" constantly.
7) be open. this is a followup to #6 in that many questions are often personal in nature, but it wouldn't be helpful to say "sorry that's private" constantly.
recognize this and try to be okay with answering questions like that because it's usually very helpful to them.
8) expect them to be uninformed. most people aren't experts in the field of gender and trans issues, so don't be shocked or hurt if they say something silly or bad.
8) expect them to be uninformed. most people aren't experts in the field of gender and trans issues, so don't be shocked or hurt if they say something silly or bad.
just do what you can to give them better information and recognize that it often takes people a while to work through their own internalized transphobia.
9) anecdotes are good! ties in with the other points, but i often share personal anecdotes which lets them relate to me, -
9) anecdotes are good! ties in with the other points, but i often share personal anecdotes which lets them relate to me, -
helps them feel more comfortable, and helps give them a more realistic and concrete picture of it all.
10) be casual. it can be very scary for someone questioning as they can feel isolated, so disarm that fear by being casual about it all instead of playing into that fear that-
10) be casual. it can be very scary for someone questioning as they can feel isolated, so disarm that fear by being casual about it all instead of playing into that fear that-
gender is Serious Business. the latter doesn't help them!
11) encourage exploration. there's a number of things i often talk about with people, but a big one is encouraging them to explore things one step at a time and at a rate they feel comfortable with. the freedom is theirs.
11) encourage exploration. there's a number of things i often talk about with people, but a big one is encouraging them to explore things one step at a time and at a rate they feel comfortable with. the freedom is theirs.
okay! i think that's most off the top.
keep in mind that this all comes from my experience with talking to people, what people have told me was most helpful for them, and what was helpful for me when i myself was questioning, so don't take any of this as gospel! hope this helps.
keep in mind that this all comes from my experience with talking to people, what people have told me was most helpful for them, and what was helpful for me when i myself was questioning, so don't take any of this as gospel! hope this helps.
