Reporting to you live from the Bonne Maman "24 Days Until December 25th" Non-denominational Calendar of Jams, Curds, and Honeys

This is

A TASTE COMPETITION

This series should have began on Tuesday, but scones were not baked until today due to a backlog of homemade pumpkin cranberry bread in the kitchen. This setback in the baked goods schedule only caused anticipation to increase

December 1: Pear-Mirabelle Plum Spread

A delicate flavor. A fancy jam. Doesn't care for all the hustle and bustle. Enchanted woodland creatures prepared this in your cottage whilst you knit them all tiny caps. Overpowered by raisin scone, will finish with crackers and cheese l8r

December 2: Cherry-Elderflower Spread

A delight. Tart, sweet, slightly more differently tart (elderflower). What one dreams of when one dreams of putting a rare jam on a fresh scone on a sunny December day.

Oh but I bet you wouldn't like it. Don't try it, just send me yours

December 3: Mango-Peach-Lime Spread

Here's the thing. I love fresh mangoes. I adore fresh peaches. I am thrilled by fresh limes. However.
The combination of these items cooked is reminiscent of feet. Don't @ me

0/10 Sconies, the new scone-based rating system I just invented

Interlude to display today's competitors lined up before the arena: two oven-fresh raisin scones

If I am perfectly honest my prior lived experience with cooked peach and/or mangoes taught me that I was not going to like the Dec 3 offering, but I slathered a whole half a scone in it in the name of journalistic integrity

December 4: Seedless Raspberry Spread.

Noticing a lot of "spreads" here making me wonder what the legal definition of "jam" and "jelly" are. Nevertheless we press on

Hard truth: "Seedless" raspberry anything is for cowards

(but it is v. tasty and I am unable to stay mad at it)

December 5: Strawberry-Verbena Spread

Sweet and herbal, verbena improving and deepening the humble strawberry experience. She's perfect, she's beautiful, she looks like Linda Evangelista. Other jams are sorry they can't be her!!!

To be continued tomorrow. what delights lie in wait then???? (I refuse to read the packaging list to form any kind of educated guess. I am on an ADVENTURE)

My PRELIMINARY RANKINGS

1) Strawberry-Verbena, opens your horizons
2) Cherry-Elderflower, a richer combo, but slightlyyyy less unexpected
3) Seedless Raspberry, I love raspberry jam
4) Pear-Mirabelle Plum, a faint pretty thing
...
100) Mango-Peach-Lime https://twitter.com/sbarolo/status/1335343896998645763?s=19

December 6: Sweet Orange-Passion Fruit Spread

Marmalade is bitter and nobody likes it. In desperation, marmalade is hanging around its cool friend Passion Fruit to see if it can get invited to more parties, and it 100% worked. I declare it to be the least bad marmalade

In this year of sensory deprivation, I am appreciating the visual impact of little slivers of orange rind and the faint interest bitterness can provide. Months of quarantine have turned me british. Indignity piled upon indignity

December 7: Pineapple-Passion Fruit Spread

You know what else starts with P? PANDERING. Pineapple and passion fruit know I am homesick for Hawai'i and are attempting to bribe me with PERFECTION and it is PLEASANT

In light of this upset, time to update the rankings!!

1) Pineapple-Passion Fruit (who told them I'm a lilikoi superfan. Outrageous)
2) Strawberry-Verbena
3) Cherry-Elderflower
4) Seedless Raspberry
5) Sweet Orange-Passion Fruit
6) Pear-Mirabelle Plum
...
58230) Mango-Peach-Lime

The jam this morning was INCREDIBLE y'all. But then I had to do my JOB. Not just for like a minute, but ALL DAY. the audacity. The disrespect. And now look at me, too exhausted to tweet my bonne maman bon mot

You might say... I'm spread too thin

December 8: Apricot-Bergamot Spread

Why did it take you so long to come into my life, Apricot-Bergamot? And why did you leave it so soon? Why was your jar so small? Why aren't you sold in stores? In desperation I search "how to grow bergamot trees"

now I NEED an orangerie

Please note that every jar has an adorable little seal that charmingly depicts the central ingredients, as if this whole experience wasn't fuckn twee enough, ahhh I love it

December 9: Rhubarb-Strawberry Spread

Tart, sweet, and pedestrian. I can't go back. I could get this in pie form in grocery stores. Anyway it turns out that bergamot is a particularly cold-intolerant citrus so I'm going to need to turn the orangerie into an in-house solarium

The new order
1) Apricot-Bergamot

[Respectful distance]

2) Pineapple-Passion Fruit
3) Strawberry-Verbena
4) Cherry-Elderflower
5) Seedless Raspberry
6) Rhubarb-Strawberry
7) Sweet Orange-Passion Fruit
8) Pear-Mirabelle Plum

And that's it I don't think I got any other jams

December 10: Blueberry-Black Currant Spread

Gorgeous color, wretched taste. You'd get it served in a bad dream about a bed and breakfast where all the rooms looked out over a freeway and the tea was all Lipton's. You'd wake in a cold sweat to see purple jam on your pillow

December 11: Apricot Mango Spread

Mango jam, my old adversary, we meet again. But you've chosen your hostage more wisely this time. In desperation I declare it "serviceable", and in my haste to put the moment behind us forever, forget to take a picture of the first scone

Rankings to follow! Just let it be said that I've been so busy I forgot the joke I was going to tell about being busy

Also after this mornings Apricot-based act of aggression in jam form, I finished off the little bit of Apricot Bergamot I had saved in an attempt to get One Serotonin. Now I'm back on citrus tree websites and I either need a heated greenhouse or an intervention

December 12: Cherry-Blackberry Spread

I battle a lack of natural light during the daily jam, so the photos either look like they're taken by candlelight or are lit like a mug shot for crimes against tongues.
In this case the verdict is not guilty of all charges, simplydivine

The lack of natural light in the morning is honestly something I would like to bring up with the organizing committee. Why can we not simply have the same length of day all year instead of blowing it all on a few months of summer, I'm not even using it at 9pm in July

:
1) Apricot-Bergamot
2) Cherry-Blackberry
3) Pineapple-Passion Fruit
4) Strawberry-Verbena
5) Cherry-Elderflower
6) Seedless Raspberry
7) Rhubarb-Strawberry
8) Apricot-Mango
9) Sweet Orange-Passion Fruit
10) Pear-Mirabelle Plum
11) Blueberry-Black Currant
12) Mango-Peach-Lime

after today, the rankings will have to be divided into two tweet categories, provisionally titled:
That's My Jam
and
It's Time To Kick Out The(se) Jams, Muffin Lovers

Well folks, coming up next: Mango Peach Lime is no longer in last place...

December 13: Grapefruit-Dragon Fruit Spread

Bonne Maman said "eat this because we hate you :)"

Why are grapefruit? They are the men of fruits

Don't come here with your "oh but grapefruit is really good actually if you just pile other things that taste good on top of it and also get the special trench knife/bayonet 'spoon' needed to retrieve the inedibly bitter insides" like, take nature's hint

Fundamentally, there are the Jams that are hits,,,,

1) Apricot-Bergamot
2) Cherry-Blackberry
3) Pineapple-Passion Fruit
4) Strawberry-Verbena
5) Cherry-Elderflower
6) Seedless Raspberry
7) Rhubarb-Strawberry
8) Sweet Orange-Passion Fruit

And there are the Jams that ask, "why are you hitting yourself"

9) Apricot-Mango*
10) Pear-Mirabelle Plum**
11) Blueberry-Black Currant
12) Mango-Peach-Lime
666) Grapefruit-Dragon Fruit

*I too am shocked to find Marmalade made it to the "keepers" list over Apricot, but Mango makes fools of us all

**Pear-Mirabelle Plum's only crime was tasting like almost nothing, which is something the rest of these reprobates should consider trying

December 14: Orange-Cinnamon Spread

According to Wikipedia, I'm in a classic U-shaped narrative, which "begins with a state of equilibrium that descends to disaster and then upward to a new stable condition".
We're a long way from the Shire, but compared to yesterday it's great

December 15: Fig-Cardamom Spread

Never, with such ruthless efficiency, have I been carried to lofty hopes when reading a label, only to have them immediately dashed on the rocky shores of my taste buds. Too much cardamom

Two Dozen Spreads will continue tomorrow probably, my eyes and migraine are in immediate protest looking at a screen even long enough to tweet. Good thing a screen isn't my only outlet to the world and necessary for my career or anything! Wouldn't that be an absurd situation

December 16: Raspberry-Lychee Spread

Lychee is one of my comfort foods. There was an enormous lychee tree in my grandma's backyard. In another timeline I'm at a sushi bar drinking my second lychee-tini of the day even though it's 10am. Not a bad idea for this timeline either

December 17: Raspberry-Red Currant

Top-tier!! Somehow recreates the juiciness and tanginess of eating An Actual Fruit???? Bear in mind everything I know about actual experiences is a decaying memory from nine or more months ago. According to Wikipedia, "fruit" came by the foot

December 18: Cherry-Christmas Spice Spread

All the year, Christmas Spice lies in wait. Sure you have the sun now, but in December, you'll be so disoriented that mixing cinnamon and clove and orange zest with cherries will seem only natural

It's actually very good! I had seconds

December 19: Lemon-Yuzu Spread

Some celestial event. No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should have sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful... I had no idea.

https://twitter.com/shrewshrew/status/1313568269584998404?s=19

December 20: Apricot-Lavender Spread

As a rule I don't hold with flowery flavors in my comestibles. Lavender sneaks past barely on the technicality that it's almost more like rosemary, but I must downgrade it based on my inflexible culinary principles to merely "superb"

December 21: White Nectarine-Peach Spread

The darkest day gets darker. Nectarines are just smooth peaches. This is just "Peach-More Differenter Peach Spread". They added passion fruit juice and didn't even give it top billing. I refused to dedicate a whole scone to this travesty

December 22: Strawberry-Wild Strawberry Spread

It's not even about whether the jam is good. Two days of Fruit-Same Fruit can only be interpreted through the lens of psychological warfare, or extreme overwork on the part of the jam chefs. Is everyone ok Bonne Maman? bc I'm not

I mean of course it was good it was strawberry jam

December 23: Mandarin Spread

You might think there's no 2nd ingredient. But look, the mandarins are "from Italy". The true gourmand recognizes at once a Bitterness-Condescension pairing

Bonne Maman giving us the gift of humility by reminding us that we don't deserve nice things

Mustering the troops to find one brave enough to take on the kamikaze mission of trying to make me forget I ever tasted Mandarin Spread

I haven't done the rankings in a while, and now we are so close to the end that I can pretend it is an intentional attempt to drum up anticipation, instead of me stalling for time while I try to figure out how it is that five different jams can be worst than last place

December 24: Honey

Based on twenty-three previous days of label drawings, I think this jam is made of liquefied bees

Feeling a sense of anticlimax, are we? Let me tell you about the minute of absolute, stunned silence in my household that followed opening the final little door on the package

The full slate of competitors have been assembled for a retasting competition. I won't be beholden to my earlier opinions from before I knew the horrors to come, like some damned crayon bracket