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quick ramble while its on my mind: i have discussed a few times, with other chronically ill and disabled friends, that there is a particular love language to being a disabled person in a relationship, and i think its a very beautiful one abled people often overlook
it can be so humiliating and anger-inducing to need help with basic things. yesterday i wanted to light a candle, but these thumbs cant use a regular lighter-- the kind you have to flick. it hurts far too much, and we arent strong enough
so very often, kit lights the candles. and its a small thing, and i have to swallow a lot of pride to let her do it, but she does it because it's easy for her and it makes me smile and she knows i love candles.
i thought for a very long time that i simply had to learn to live with the things i couldnt do. i forgot help was an option. because very often, accepting help with simple and vulnerable tasks is inviting someone into a very deep part of you. im not kidding when i say that
when i am out and about, whether that be with a cane or my chair, those mobility aids are an extension of my body. for someone to touch those is a massive boundary transgression akin to just grabbing my arm or god knows what else.
when i let someone i love and trust push my chair, it is letting a part of me be safe with them. it is a kind of trust and respect that is very difficult to earn. its my way of saying that they are family to me.
and when i am too fatigued to walk in the apartment and my cane is in another room and i cant get to bed on my own, kit is my cane. and i know she knows the weight of that. i also know many abled people wouldnt
that vulnerability as a display of love also lends itself to a certain tongue-in-cheek snark when i remember the time i told my mother i could still attend vacations with the family if i had a wheelchair, and she replied "i dont want to push you". apt for someone who disowned me
but i digress LOL. my point is-- disability sucks. its easy to get frustrated and cranky and cry a lot when basic tasks are hard and everything hurts. but in a weird way im grateful for the new ways it has let me share and experience love.
and we all struggle with different things, of course. your "candle" is probably something else. but whatever comes to mind for you, it is my earnest hope that every disabled person gets to experience the joy of someone lighting your candles for you.
