As a celibate gay Christian man in theologically conservative circles, spiritual leaders have often asked me to connect with a freshly out sexual minority they know. Usually, this is because the spiritual leaders feel unsure of what to say.

I think these spiritual leaders expect our conversation to be basically, “here is why you should believe the traditional sexual ethic.” This takes up some of our time, but only if those are questions the sexual minorities themselves ask.

Almost always, the more pressing questions these sexual minorities bring to me are: “how can I survive in my church or my denomination?”, “how do I get the love and support I need?”, and “how do I handle overt or covert homophobia, and these feelings of loneliness?”

The conversation we end up having is often less abstract and more practical, because the conversation about sexuality and sexual ethics is a matter of our lives and livelihoods, not just our theological beliefs. We wish spiritual leaders knew this.

Many spiritual leaders assume what we sexual minorities need is a better grasp of theology and sexual ethics, but oftentimes what we really need are survival tactics and strategies of resistance against oppression.

We need our spiritual leaders to care at least as much about our comprehensive flourishing as they do about our sexual ethics. These are not unconnected! But our flourishing can tend to get lost in the pursuit of the “right” theology.