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I finally carved the pumpkin I bought on October 1st today, because time has become meaningless.
I'm told it's December now, so it's Santa.
Gonna put it under the tree we're getting this week.
Why not.
I'm told it's December now, so it's Santa.
Gonna put it under the tree we're getting this week.
Why not.
A better picture, because I can't find a good candle and it's daytime, but fuck, I finished it, and that's something at least.
The copper-clad bitch of it is, this is the result of two intersecting and synergizing issues with my Diagnosis:
Executive Dysfunction, and Time Blindness.
Surprise! This is an #ADHD thread!
Executive Dysfunction, and Time Blindness.
Surprise! This is an #ADHD thread!
Not only that, but it's an #ADHD thread that I /planned/ to do for #ADHDAwarenessMonth, which was October, and I'm FINALLY able to do it in December, because I was finally able to finish the arbitrary and self-imposed thing that I told myself I had to do before I could post it.
Yeah that's right #NeurodiverseSquad you're getting fucking /seen/ today.
Real briefly: Executive Dysfunction is common to a lot of disorders and neuroatypicalities. ADHD (me), Depression (also me), PTSD or Trauma (hat trick!), ASD, etc, etc.
The easiest way to describe it is this: There is nothing in my brain that can be done on automatic.
The easiest way to describe it is this: There is nothing in my brain that can be done on automatic.
For most people, there's a personal assistant in their head, who automatically sorts things. They simply know, without having to do any work, what order things must be done in, and what has the greatest priority.
And, when they choose to do something, they just /can/.
I can't.
And, when they choose to do something, they just /can/.
I can't.
Aw, shit, that's a whole-ass mood, we should talk about
NO NOME NO DISTRACTION WE'RE DOING THIS THING RIGHT NOW. https://twitter.com/framlingading/status/1334913553178869762
NO NOME NO DISTRACTION WE'RE DOING THIS THING RIGHT NOW. https://twitter.com/framlingading/status/1334913553178869762
Anyway. I'm told that, for someone else, the chain in their head goes "I'm thirsty!" and then they get up and go to the kitchen (maybe grumbling about getting up, because laying in bed is awesome) and fill up a glass of water, and then drink it.
And that sounds like /magic/.
And that sounds like /magic/.
For me, I have to choose to be able to notice that I'm thirsty. Call it... taking internal stock. Often, I don't notice until some effect of dehydration starts happening.
Then, I have to choose to be able to stand up. Only after that can I choose to stand up.
Then, I have to choose to be able to stand up. Only after that can I choose to stand up.
Then I have to choose to be able to walk to the kitchen, then I choose to walk to the kitchen.
Around this time momentum starts kicking in - inertia, finally helpful - and I go through the motions.
But that's dangerous - because what if I stop paying attention?
Around this time momentum starts kicking in - inertia, finally helpful - and I go through the motions.
But that's dangerous - because what if I stop paying attention?
On the way to the kitchen, maybe I notice that the trash needs to be taken out - remember, I also have no automatic control over my focus, and unless I decide to focus on something and put a lot of willpower into it, I'll instead focus on anything that's interesting.
The amount of time I've walked out of the kitchen, having bundled up the trash and put it in the can beside the door to be taken out, AND LEFT THE FULL GLASS OF WATER SITTING BESIDE THE SINK, ICE SLOWLY MELTING...
Then, when I go back to whatever I was doing with water in hand (miracle of miracles), I have to remember that I was thirsty. I have to remember to be able to drink it, then I have to remember to drink it.
All manual.
Ever been in a car when the power steering went out?
All manual.
Ever been in a car when the power steering went out?
It me.
The word for this, by the by, is "Interoception." The awareness of internal bodily processes. The ability to notice that you're tired, hungry, thirsty. That you need to use the restroom. That you currently have a headache, or a muscle pain. https://twitter.com/YoungMrsW/status/1334915482051174401
Unsurprisingly, the lack of it is a symptom, because goddamnit if everything that's caused problems in my life doesn't tie back to this. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6185835/
Heh. "Real briefly, let me describe executive dysfunction..."
Fifteen tweets later: "Fuck."
Fifteen tweets later: "Fuck."
Anyway. Executive dysfunction means that I don't have - physically, DO NOT HAVE - the ability to engage in several key automatic processes in my head.
Hey, you know what's normally an automatic process?
Motivation.
Hey, you know what's normally an automatic process?
Motivation.
Most of y'all automatically motivate. Not the big, macro-level stuff, where your desire to keep paying rent motivates you to go to work.
The micro stuff. When you want to move your hand, your hand just moves. You don't have to think about moving it.
The micro stuff. When you want to move your hand, your hand just moves. You don't have to think about moving it.
This means that those of us who deal with Executive Dysfunction are constantly looking for external motivators.
Things like (excellent timing, @alwaysjathis!) to-do lists.
They have mixed success. https://twitter.com/alwaysjathis/status/1334916652237000715?s=20
Things like (excellent timing, @alwaysjathis!) to-do lists.
They have mixed success. https://twitter.com/alwaysjathis/status/1334916652237000715?s=20
It has mixed success in part because we try to ascribe agency to things in our environment which have none, to trick ourselves into thinking it's external motivation.
Because it's the CLOCK telling me I have to get up, it's 7:15. Not ME saying that. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1295722616804659200
Because it's the CLOCK telling me I have to get up, it's 7:15. Not ME saying that. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1295722616804659200
"The clock will never be a safe authority to trust, no matter how much you ritualized the number, because the clock cannot give your brain the right chemicals to connect motivation to action.
It's almost literally a false idol. It has no agency, and it cannot give you agency."
It's almost literally a false idol. It has no agency, and it cannot give you agency."
And that segues nicely into the next issue: Time Blindness.
A note on language: I've had a person suggest to me that the term "Time Blindness" is ableist; I don't know if this person was sighted or not, and I can't find any discussions in blind communities about its usage.
I have done my best to look into it, and the best suggestion /
I have done my best to look into it, and the best suggestion /
I've found relates to the term "Blind Spot."
When describing an actual, physical inability to perceive something, 'blind' is value neutral. When describing a moral failing, it is less so. https://www.reddit.com/r/Blind/comments/dibilq/is_the_term_blind_spot_generally_considered/
When describing an actual, physical inability to perceive something, 'blind' is value neutral. When describing a moral failing, it is less so. https://www.reddit.com/r/Blind/comments/dibilq/is_the_term_blind_spot_generally_considered/
Especially given the platform I've (for some godforsaken reason) got, I try to be careful with my language. When using "Time Blindness," I'm using the term used in both by doctors and within disabled/neuroatypical spaces to describe a symptom, a literal lack of perception.
Without external stimuli, I am unable to perceive the passage of time. I am unable to estimate the time that something should take, I am unable to guage how much time has passed.
Medication helps some. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1313529567626235904
Medication helps some. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1313529567626235904
Medication that I have to choose to be able to remember to take, that I have to deal with a multi-step process to refill, and that gets stigmatized from people using it recreationally.
The medication, by the by, allows me to be able to take the medication.
If I miss a day...?
The medication, by the by, allows me to be able to take the medication.
If I miss a day...?
So, that's simple and fun and easy.
Clearly.
Clearly.
Which brings me to the intersection of Executive Dysfunction and Time Blindness:
Not Guarding my Yes.
(Shoutout to @blkgirllostkeys, who also has some things that maybe you could toss some money at: ) https://twitter.com/blkgirllostkeys/status/1334753610954125312?s=20
Not Guarding my Yes.
(Shoutout to @blkgirllostkeys, who also has some things that maybe you could toss some money at: ) https://twitter.com/blkgirllostkeys/status/1334753610954125312?s=20
Today, I was able to carve the pumpkin because on Monday I put it, two steel bowls, a knife, a spoon, and a tablecloth to catch the mess on the kitchen table.
I did that when it occured to me, and set myself up to "notice" it any time I walked by.
It still took four days.
I did that when it occured to me, and set myself up to "notice" it any time I walked by.
It still took four days.
I realized only when carving it that I had tried to start a one-shot with three other people probably more than a month ago, we didn't set up a firm plan, and because nothing reminded me, it was just... there.
(This is also an apology to @Shauntelleb, @NalaWu, and @shadowravyn)
(This is also an apology to @Shauntelleb, @NalaWu, and @shadowravyn)
I didn't forget it - I would have known, at any point in that process, that it was a thing which needed to be done.
But I had no /awareness/ of the time passing WITHOUT it being done.
It was just... there. In the back of my mind. Waiting.
It could wait forever.
But I had no /awareness/ of the time passing WITHOUT it being done.
It was just... there. In the back of my mind. Waiting.
It could wait forever.
Likewise, the reason I wanted to do this thread in October -
Because I realized, in September, that I had a project waiting from LAST GODDAMN YEAR, that I hadn't delivered on. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1212172384993591296
Because I realized, in September, that I had a project waiting from LAST GODDAMN YEAR, that I hadn't delivered on. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1212172384993591296
The people who won and I have talked throughout the year, and they've been fantastic about it;
That said, I want to walk you through the process that I went through with this.
Maybe you recognize yourself in it.
Maybe something I say will help.
That said, I want to walk you through the process that I went through with this.
Maybe you recognize yourself in it.
Maybe something I say will help.
The first thing I did was good - I set an achievable goal. The dice I have; the adventure hooks are easy; the maps take an evening or so to draw, and I love doing them.
Strike that.
They take an evening to draw /because/ I love doing them.
Because creating is easy.
Sometimes.
Strike that.
They take an evening to draw /because/ I love doing them.
Because creating is easy.
Sometimes.
I was in a decent place, though. I was able to create. Things were okay.
And then everything fell apart for me.
Without going into it - January at work saw the start of an interpersonal conflict that saw over half of the staff leaving or fired, ending with me in September. /
And then everything fell apart for me.
Without going into it - January at work saw the start of an interpersonal conflict that saw over half of the staff leaving or fired, ending with me in September. /
What always happens, happened: A thing I didn't plan for.
Suddenly my emotional energy was going into trying to solve problems with a crew of people, on TOP of having more work to do as we lost people and trained their replacements.
AND THEN THERE WAS A PANDEMIC.
AND THEN THERE WAS A PANDEMIC.
Because there was no external motivation, and because there was no longer a structure to my week (besides going to work, burning all my energy, and barely recovering), and because there was no outlet of things I could do to re-energize myself (usually going out), things slipped.
All of that is understandable, probably. The folks who were waiting on my certainly said so, but they're nicer than I probably deserve, BUT THAT'S PROBABLY MY DISORDER TALKING, and
...
Anyway.
...
Anyway.
Here's where I did the bad thing, the thing that always fucked with me in school.
I said, to myself, "Well, since it's going to be late, you've got to make it even bigger and better to compensate."
Oh, Nome. You sweet summer child.
I said, to myself, "Well, since it's going to be late, you've got to make it even bigger and better to compensate."
Oh, Nome. You sweet summer child.
Now, I had made the project that was already more than I could do right now, bigger,
As a rule. I did that to myself, as a rule. I couldn't finish it until I'd made it bigger and better.
And when people messaged me about it, I did the other bad thing:
As a rule. I did that to myself, as a rule. I couldn't finish it until I'd made it bigger and better.
And when people messaged me about it, I did the other bad thing:
I recognized that I needed to respond to them, but I couldn't respond to them until I had progress to show them, and if I cleared their notification then I'd NEVER REMEMBER to respond to them,
And then I left their messages unread for two months without realizing it.
And then I left their messages unread for two months without realizing it.
Whether from trauma, conditioning or god knows what else, from an inability to accurately estimate things or my thinking of my inability to do this as a moral failing that I HAD to simply POWER THROUGH,
I made it impossible to do one task, until I did another, which I couldn't.
I made it impossible to do one task, until I did another, which I couldn't.
In September I quit my job. My intention was to rest for a week, work on creative shit, finish projects, then start pounding the virtual pavement for a new job. I have enough saved up to not have to really worry about work until January or February.
But I couldn't rest.
But I couldn't rest.
The things which would allow me to rest - structure, things done with other people, things outside of the house mostly - haven't happened. Which means that just existing day-to-day is every bit as draining as working was.
Because fuck me, I guess.
Because fuck me, I guess.
Without external motivation, every day has been me just... existing. I've still had to wrestle with myself to get shit done.
It hasn't been easy. At all.
And it's been entirely internal, this problem. And it's not helped by part of me calling the rest of me a piece of shit.
It hasn't been easy. At all.
And it's been entirely internal, this problem. And it's not helped by part of me calling the rest of me a piece of shit.
All that said?
I did finish.
I did finish.
With help.
When I'm struggling with a project, just working /around/ other people can help. They turn into an anchor for me, I'm able to judge the passage of time by them being in the room with me, I'm finally able to just WORK.
Because I told them I would, and am accountable to them.
Because I told them I would, and am accountable to them.
I finished these maps on the 26th of October, and got in touch with the people I made them for. They were, AS ALWAYS, fantastic about it.
And because I'm proud of them, lemme show them to you.
And because I'm proud of them, lemme show them to you.
The first is for @JamieonCampaign, and is based on the Red Tower / St. Agnes' tower, on Malta.
Instead of one map, it's four, with three levels to the tower and an underground catacomb system, because I just HAD to make it MORE to JUSTIFY the time I took.
Instead of one map, it's four, with three levels to the tower and an underground catacomb system, because I just HAD to make it MORE to JUSTIFY the time I took.
The second is for @gnuconsulting, and was designed as an infinite dungeon crawl.
It's a modular dungeon, with six panels that can be arranged in any configuration (the sides line up) to create an ever-changing dungeon that moves shit when you're not looking.
It's a modular dungeon, with six panels that can be arranged in any configuration (the sides line up) to create an ever-changing dungeon that moves shit when you're not looking.
I contacted them, I got addresses, and then...
I did the bad thing.
I decided I was going to do a thread about this.
And because that was a serious undertaking that I had to remember to do,
It further delayed sending it out to them.
BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID.
I did the bad thing.
I decided I was going to do a thread about this.
And because that was a serious undertaking that I had to remember to do,
It further delayed sending it out to them.
BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID.
Anyway. I'm going, as soon as this is finished, to write addresses on boxes. I'm going to talk to my s/o about taking a trip to the post office to mail them (since I can't just mail them from work anymore). And I'm going to try to not keep falling into these traps.
HOW, YOU ASK?
HOW, YOU ASK?
1) I'm going to try to remember to guard my yes. I initially thought this would be a perfectly reasonable project, finished in a week; if I do this again, I'm going to have a map ALREADY FINISHED which I can personalize for someone.
Because shit ALWAYS happens.
Because shit ALWAYS happens.
2) I'm going to try to work around someone else more. Until it's safe to go outside, that means my partner; it's less than comfortable for her to be out at the table with me, so I'm trying to find ways to bring work around her.
3) I'm going to keep trying to unlearn the bullshit. The voice that says that I'm a failure for missing rules that I put in place to try and convince myself that the rule itself will give me agency.
That one's hard. But... it's gotta happen.
That one's hard. But... it's gotta happen.
4) I'm going to try to set up some external motivators that actually are external.
Wanna see a cool one?
I need to ship these maps. So, hey @RemindMe_OfThis, remind me of this tweet in 20 hours please!
Wanna see a cool one?
I need to ship these maps. So, hey @RemindMe_OfThis, remind me of this tweet in 20 hours please!
5) I'm going to take the knowledge of what's ACTUALLY different about my brain, and do things that will work with it.
Case in point:
This witchcraft. https://twitter.com/mpgPhD/status/1334934588062396416
Case in point:
This witchcraft. https://twitter.com/mpgPhD/status/1334934588062396416
6) I'm going to take my own advice, and finish things to A LEVEL of done, even if they're not HOW DONE I WOULD LIKE THEM.
A perfect example:
I made this character generator in August of last year. And I finished it.
https://perchance.org/myhumanfighter
A perfect example:
I made this character generator in August of last year. And I finished it.
https://perchance.org/myhumanfighter
I didn't add every feature I could want - instead, I've been coming back to it to add more, do more, make it closer to my original vision.
But I made sure, before my creative juices ran out on it, that it did *the basic amount it needed to* to be counted as done.
But I made sure, before my creative juices ran out on it, that it did *the basic amount it needed to* to be counted as done.
I already put this into effect - because I did two extra panels for the modular map while the juices were still flowing, and then I felt bad about giving more pieces to one map than the other, and then I MADE MYSELF SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CALL THEM DONE.
7) I'm going to keep talking here about the times when I fall down, and keep trying to be open about my mental health.
To let people try to avoid these pitfalls, and to try to support folks who hit them anyway, because fuck. I've been there.
To let people try to avoid these pitfalls, and to try to support folks who hit them anyway, because fuck. I've been there.
8) I'm going to be clear about these problems to anyone I work on a project with, and - here's the trick I've never been able to do, but i'm trying - ask for help.
Like this.
Like this.
And finally:
I'm going to accept people's forgiveness, and praise, and slack, because if it were anyone but me I'd day the slack was earned.
And I'm going to think of myself as someone who deserves it like anyone else. https://twitter.com/JamieonCampaign/status/1334938233818537994?s=20
I'm going to accept people's forgiveness, and praise, and slack, because if it were anyone but me I'd day the slack was earned.
And I'm going to think of myself as someone who deserves it like anyone else. https://twitter.com/JamieonCampaign/status/1334938233818537994?s=20
It doesn't absolve me of responsibility to folks that my brain works like this.
But it also doesn't give me permission to be harder on myself than other people are or would be.
Because down that path layeth madness.
But it also doesn't give me permission to be harder on myself than other people are or would be.
Because down that path layeth madness.
Self-knowledge is good.
I'm working on it.
I hope that, maybe, as long as I'm public about that process, y'all can get some fringe benefits from it. Learn from my mistakes and all that.
I'm working on it.
I hope that, maybe, as long as I'm public about that process, y'all can get some fringe benefits from it. Learn from my mistakes and all that.
So I'll end there.
And, without reading / responding to comments, I'm going to try to go write addresses on boxes and get shit ready.
And maybe by the time that bot reminds me of it, it'll be done.
We'll see!
And, without reading / responding to comments, I'm going to try to go write addresses on boxes and get shit ready.
And maybe by the time that bot reminds me of it, it'll be done.
We'll see!
For anyone who hasn't seen it, I'll also link here to the thread I did at the beginning of October, about the ways this disorder manifests for me.
Folks tell me it helps, me talking about it. I'm gonna try to believe them, b/c others doing so helped me. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1311687107128123393
Folks tell me it helps, me talking about it. I'm gonna try to believe them, b/c others doing so helped me. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1311687107128123393
Cheers, all.
/ end
/ end
@threadreaderapp unroll, please!
