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Teaching has finished for T1 this year (in terms of contact—a lot of marking to do). It's been ridiculously hard. Thanks to our students for the bright spots. And colleagues who work closely with me. Here's an honest review.
I had a shedload of synchronous online contact. How did it go? 
I recorded, edited, and (except 2) captioned 19 videos across three modules I lead. Even where I'd taught subject matter before, I rewrote materials to make them work for online delivery. Did I succeed?
I recorded, edited, and (except 2) captioned 19 videos across three modules I lead. Even where I'd taught subject matter before, I rewrote materials to make them work for online delivery. Did I succeed?
I've had three full weekend days off since mid-September. The dog has been neglected. I've barely ridden my bike. The latter might sound trivial, but when I can't exercise I get down. I feel shit about myself and this impacts me and others.
Going into Christmas, I can't take the additional four days leave the uni has granted us. I can't take any of the leave I've carried from last year. I can't even take all the customary closure days. There's too much work.
I'm sooo far behind on research. The higher ups are like, 'don't worry, expectations are reduced this year'. Research evaluation is always diachronic. I'd be a fool to think we won't be judged on lack of 'performance'/REFability down the line.
Why would one Covidy year be so significant for my research trajectory? Because as an ECR crushed by teaching and admin, I've been progressively losing step since I got this job four years ago. Forever caught up in others' strategy/projects/visions.
My individual products are piecemeal and rushed. I have little opportunity to keep up with the scholarship or to upskill, let alone to develop my better ideas or to have coherence across my work.
This shitty year has taught me that I've been on a downward spiral for a long period. Not coping now is an outcome of the past and present.
When academia is good, it is great. But how often is it good? Not often I'd suggest. I'm giving thought to exiting the academy.
(I'm well aware I have many advantages—permanent, man, no caring resp, mixed-race but visibly and aurally quite white, financially secure etc. If you are badly off at work because of any of these dimensions, respect and solidarity.)
