re last RTs: when you don't know you have ADHD you don't KNOW why you're not able to do things or even that you're not able to you think you are except that its just you keep not doing them!

and if you go to people in charge and say I just keep not doing this (which feels impossible because they DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT and because YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION WHY you dont) I promise you the vast vast majority of them DO NOT SAY oh hey sounds like you have ADHD

just try to imagine having no idea why you can't breathe underwater and everyone around you can and sometimes you can hold you breath long enough to look like you can if you really really try and sometimes you pass out after but its no big deal and everyone expects you to

you spend your whole life being forced to lie to everyone because you have absolutely no idea why things keep not being possible and no way of describing or even identifying what's happening and no one can even imagine that what's going on with you is possible

imagine how it feels to have absolutely no way of explaining yourself and no option but to lie because the only possible words and ideas you have on offer are the wrong ones. and you know they're wrong but you don't know why.

how alienating that is. how exhausting. how little you can trust or respect yourself. you're a liar and you know you are.

I lie to everyone every day - and to myself - because even now that I know I'm ADHD its still really really hard to conceptualise or explain in action.

i thought you could just say "i have ADHD" but turns out noone knows what that means so you have to painstakingly fill in all the connective understanding by building it from scratch each time - often while you're in the middle of not being able to cope or 'see' yourself

ironically when I'm trying to lie on purpose I'm fucking terrible at it and find it incredibly hard and stressful hahaha worst of both worlds

its like being absolutely the world's shittest double agent.

like waking up one day and surprise you've been thrown out a plane into a hostile nation and the state wants their wire taps babey. what do you mean you don't speak the language and you're a pacifist haha that's cute here's a phasebook we rendezvous at 9