i told my best friend about my twitter a few months ago and he's pretty tortured that i won't let him in on it, feels hurt in a huge must-be-addressed way

REALLY not sure what to do bc i get where he's coming from, but my gut is resistant

gotta think gotta think
there's so many different angles to think about, it's complicated, hard to find my way in. why i like twitter being my secret space, why it's been good to have this space away from him in particular, why i might not want to share this space with *anybody* i know irl
that's part of why i've been stewing on this thing i wrote in a journal a few years back, this feels like part of it, i need to think i need to think https://twitter.com/lilmaudlin/status/1334643129081880577?s=20
gonna take my time to stew on this here, if you've dealt with this feeling/situation would love to hear about it
maybe the easiest place to start is why i didn't let him in on this from the start, and that's bc for a long time there were parts of me i felt he wasn't receptive to: the softer sweeter parts of me, affection, cuteness, intuition, being in my feelings, a focus on the five senses
i don't mean to make him out as a stick in the mud: he's my best friend!! he's wildly clever and silly and thoughtful. but for a long time it seemed to me like he wanted to just be a brain in a jar, and i felt like he wished i was that too, and i didn't want that
and i started to shut down those more experience-focused parts of myself around him, which i didn't really acknowledge that i was doing. but i was. i see it clearly now because a few months ago he very suddenly changed, he changed SO MUCH
it's not really my story to tell, but he had a sea change, and it's very clear that he really values and admires and loves those parts of me now, and is exploring those things for himself, and he's been *showing* me that over the past few months
at first it was extremely jarring, but now i'm starting to get used to it, starting to feel more fully open around him. i want to be open around him. i want to share the full me-ness of me with him, to volunteer it
and he's hurt because he thought i *was* sharing that with him, and now he knows i haven't been, and he's hurt that i'm still choosing not to. i get that!! i think i would feel the same in his shoes
we both fucked up. he sees that his being critical of or unreceptive to parts of me that i really value in myself has done damage to our dynamic. and i regret being cowardly, not forging ahead and being unapologetically me
twitter has been a space where i can just be whatever i want to be. i don't say anything too wild here, u guys know i'm just like...a big wholesome baby

but i know that right now his presence would influence what i feel free to say here, even if just in the smallest ways
and i want to preserve this as a journal-feeling space. i know it's not really like a journal, bc there are people here!!! and that's the best part about it!

and that's where it gets so tricky. bc how is it fair to share this stuff with you ppl and not with my best friend?
what it points to is: i'm still afraid to share all of me with him. but why? why am i still afraid? i *know* that he would freakin love my damn twitter account!! and a huge part of me is saying: let him in!

but some other part of me is saying wait. wait. wait. not ready.

WHY
ok maybe shaking loose one little answer to WHY: the being my own person thing https://twitter.com/lilmaudlin/status/1332731371861782530?s=20
people have seen us as a duo for so long, six years? and it's been hard for me to explore outside of that, harder than it has been for him. i want to know myself in relation to other people on my own terms, i want space to see new parts of myself. twitter is one way to do that
am of two minds here

1st way: "i want time & space to rebuild trust & feel safe & free *in my heart* even if i trust him *in my head* now"

i tend to operate in an ease-in ease-out way, residual emotions are big for me even after a situation's "fixed" https://twitter.com/Builtahouse/status/1334914660559097857?s=20
2nd way: "where will ruminating get me, just fuck around and find out, be brave, change course if it winds up being bad"

this mindset has NOT historically been a part of my MO but it's one i feel blooming in me this year

cf. my pinned tweet https://twitter.com/SeanMombo/status/1334918472371998724?s=20
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