Something is beeping in my house and it's driving me nuts.

I've ruled out the usual suspects. No electronics or appliances.

Called my son downstairs to make sure it's not in my head.

He hears it, too, but we can't find the source.

Clearly, I need to burn my house down now.

It's not the smoke alarm.

Trust me, when that piece of shit gets low on batteries, it is very distinctive. https://twitter.com/AynRandPaulRyan/status/1334631302058758145?s=20

Nope, but that was a good guess. I'm literally walking around my house checking everything that's plugged in or has batteries, starting with major appliances. https://twitter.com/ssnarkismygame/status/1334631769652551682?s=20

The problem is that it's intermittent.

It will beep twice, then a minute later will beep once, then 5 minutes later, beep 3 or 4 times, and then 15 minutes later, beep once. Then go quiet for an hour.

It's like the laziest poltergeist ever.

My family knows that if they do this shit to me, they are out of the will. https://twitter.com/rtw1992/status/1334636089336680449?s=20

I've checked all of these except for the squirrel thing and if that's the case, it's just going to have to figure itself out. https://twitter.com/PGYoung1964/status/1334637500883677186?s=20

A list of things currently not beeping in my house:

*fire/smoke/CO2 alarm
*anything to do with the wifi/cable
*major appliances (microwave, stove, oven, fridge/freezer doors, timers, dishwasher, washer, dryer, ice makers, water filters)
*cell phones/computers
*alarm clocks

continued list of things that are not beeping in my house

*landlines on charging stations
*thermostat batteries
*watches
*cameras/security systems
*hot water heater overflow alarm

I'm going to start drinking now.