CN religion, faith, spirituality, christianity

I grew up in a very religious family (german lutheran). We prayed before every meal and before bed as well as on important days, went to church every Sunday plus on special events, were very involved in our congregation.

Tons of members of my family are pastors, deacons, organists, educators and theologists. My father is currently in seminary and works for a lutheran hospital.

I grew up with christianity being part of every aspect of my life. I have read and talked about a lot of biblical texts.

My baptism and confirmation were huge events for me and my family. I was in church youth clubs, read to the congregation, sang in church choir, played instruments in church, went to summer camps, weekend trips with my church etc. etc.

As much as it was always a part of my life, I don't think I ever really had faith. I never really believed in any kind of god, from the moment I was old enough to question these things and to examine my own faith. I never had a personal, intentional, real relationship with god.

But I also never experienced the kind of trauma, pain and rejection that is a common experience for a lot of queer people who grew up around christianity.

I was never taught that being gay or queer or trans was a sin or in any way a problem in the context of the faith.

My christian family accepted my queer, bisexual, transgender self without a second of doubt. They were worried for me and scared it would not be the right thing for me, but it was never because they thought those things were inherently bad or wrong.

The moment they understood that this was making me happy, that this was real and true and who I am, they accepted and supported me, worked hard on changing the way they understood me and treated me and actively supported me in my transition.

There were people who didn't accept me and there were people who stopped talking to me. I am sure there would have been plenty of people who would have rejected me if I had wanted to be a queer, trans member of their congregation.

But the people who mattered to me, who were in my life, who were my connection to and example for faith, never did. It didn't cause any conflict. Their faith told them to love and accept me unconditionally for who I told them I was and if it was hard, they never let me see that.

I spent the last decade avoiding faith, religion and christianity as much as possible. Not because it was hurting me but simply because I didn't care or have a meaningful way to access it. It was there but it didn't matter to me and I didn't think about it much.

Through the last year, I met two people who quickly became some of the most important people in my life. They are both trans and they both have strong, complicated, deep, important connections to faith and christianity.

While I still don't have a personal faith (or desire to find and grow it), they brought faith and christianity back into my life in the most nourishing, beautiful, authentic way I can imagine. It has been something we bonded over and talked about a lot.

While I do not consider myself faithful or religious, my understanding of the philosophy & values underlying christianity have an enormous impact on how I live my life, how I tackle conflict, love, pain & life in general. My decisions are often informed by "what would jesus do?"

Not because I believe he was god's child or because I believe in god at all. Because I believe that there is a lot of wisdom & guidance to be found in the jesus I was introduced to & told about. Because I believe that it can help me be a better, kinder, more understanding person.

I associate a lot of peace, calm and love with churches, church music and christian holidays. I love the smell and feel of a lot of churches and love going inside to sit in the pews and think. To listen to hymns and liturgy. To talk about faith and scripture and people's gods.

I am incredibly grateful that these things have been reintroduced to my life, that I have people I love and trust in my life that I can share this with and that I can bond with over our shared feelings and thoughts about all of this. It has been an important part of my last year.

I love them a lot and I love them more for how they live and struggle with their faith and how it informs their actions and understanding of the world.

I don't think I will ever consider myself faithful. But I am grateful for the role all of this plays in my life.

I love you