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In a parallel world Johnny Adair and Micheal Stone are mlas, Johnny is JFM, every year they celebrate publicly and lay wreaths for past Uvf members in Monaghan and Dublin.
The Party they run is called the Ulster Freedom Volunteers but it has no connection to loyalist paramilitaries and the media never ask them about the supposed links, in fact Johnny nor Michael were ever involved in anything.
Johnny is always on the BBC as a political commentator, where he advertises his new book and talks about his other job, a primary school teacher, he teaches history and the kids love him.
Many of our reporters come from the Shankill and Tigers Bay area, most are called William or Billy, they are 50/50 and have no links or family ties or leanings toward loyalism.
The party (UFV) have asked for a referendum in the ROI where people will vote on the question of unity with the UK. 3000 of them have been murdered because they don't want to but its only because they don't listen.
Followers of the UFV usually prodify their names, for instance if you were named John or Jean or Peter for instance then your prod name would be Billy McBilly, you use this new name on social media to let everyone know that you hate the Irish.
Many Catholics were killed in the 30 year war, that was unfortunate but they knew what would happen if they went shopping, or just fancied a walk or had to work, it's their fault, in fact Johnny said on the BBC "shit happens" so that's good enough for us.
One of our mlas, Billy McBilly was recently accused of hateful speech on social media, he was quoted as saying fuk the pope, after a lengthy consultation with party members we have decided to add ulster scots to all of our street names as a punishment to those who were offended.
Next week marks the anniversary of the death of our UFV solicitor, Billy 'Shooter' McBilly, he was never in the UDA but liked a few pints in the loyalist, his whole family and close associates were involved in the struggle to free the ROI from the Irish, but not him, honestly.
We at the UFV don't do whataboutery, everyone else does, we deal in facts, the fact is that someone else did something so we did something to them, because they did whataboutery, its not rocket science.
Congratulations to Billy McBilly the 3rd, who has won a place on the policing board, the fact that he was injured in action blowing up a nursery school whilst freeing Ireland from the Irish, should have made him education minister, it's disappointing but we move forward.
