wangxian having sex around the cql rain scene/burial mounds, when wwx is trying to push him away and in turn lwj knows wwx has gone down a path he can not follow.

lwj is about to say something he shouldn't. wwx is riding him, desperately trying to shut him up.

by now all they have are scattered pieces of a relationship that couldn't have been. they know they have feelings for each other, even if wwx's denial gets in the way. they know the desire is there.

it's way more complicated than that.

wwx is riding lwj like his life depends on it, they pant against each other's mouths,

it's the tiny little bit of pleasure and bliss among so much destruction.

and then a familiar something crosses lwj's eyes.

"wei ying", he repeats as he said many, many times already. why is his tone so different this time, though?

the first thing that crosses wwx's mind is kissing him. he crashes their mouths together and hopes they can keep the building pace, surely lwj will give up whatever he meant to say.

lwj kisses him throughly, as planned. it just happens he is also a very patient man.

lwj holds onto wwx's waist and uses another hand to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear.

"wei ying," he mumbles when they break apart, "look at me"

wwx does. hanguang-jun so beautiful. so good for him like this. so big. so strong.

so unyielding, wwx realises, his eyes making it clear he's about to cross a line they shouldn't.

he moves his hips faster.

"lan zhan" wwx breathes. it's the performance of a life time, making it so good for him, so hard, so fast.

the look is still there, unmoving from lwj's eyes. intent.

"lan wangji", wwx whines. he attempts a warning that goes right over lwj's head.

his grip is tighter on lwj's shoulders and he starts kissing a path down his jawline, messy and relentless in his attempts.

it's chess, if chess was riding your best friend's dick in the dawn of yet another war about to happen in a futile attempt to stop the acknowledgement of something that has been drifting through the air for a long time.

lwj pulls at the base of his neck with just enough strenght for their eyes to meet again, holds wwx's hips down to slow the movements.

"time runs against us" lwj says.

ridiculous. as if wwx hadn't noticed they're running on borrowed time. he's twisted, criminal, banned. this shouldn't even be happening, they could ruin his reputation.

which is precisely why lwj shouldn't be trying to make it even worse.

wwx shakes his head even though they both know very well lwj is technically right. "no", he lets out weakly, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. if only he can move his hips the way lwj breaks-

a cruel, unwavering man he is, lwj lets is hand drop from wwx's hair and go down his body in a gentle motion, setting on the other side of his hips.

this is not the time to be sweet.

"lan zhan," he tries again, his finest pleading tone employed. "harder, please, i need you -- don't. just. harder, you're so big inside of me, please, please fuck me, i'm so good for you, j-" he dissolves into filthy speech, losing himself in it. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE SWEET.

lwj lets out a sharper breath, the tiniest indication wwx's uncontrollable speech has any effect on him, but also stops movement altogether, locks him in place and holds him there.

wwx stares at him with wide eyes, then his fake pleas dissolve under lwj's careful gaze. if lwj sees him for what he is, for what he wants, for what he's trying to do... he might as well show his poison.

"hanguang-jun", he says, his voice threatening.

it's a low blow, now. it holds no sign of their playful banter - it's meant to sting, to put distance, to push lwj away like he has done before. the message is loud and clear.

the words that haven't left his mouth burn in his chest, though, harsher than the pain of wwx's attempts. this will just have to be another choice worth being punished for.

he has to leave in the morning, it's unlikely they'll ever have a better chance, might as well say it now.

lwj doesn't waver, and it's enough for wwx to know his threat wasn't sucessful. yet another layer of his denial breaks, and he changes into a different kind of request.

"don't", is all he says. open, vulnerable, his last resort.

"i love you", lwj says. his tone is low and deliberate, his hands gentle on wwx, as if he expected nothing in return. as if it was obvious.

this is difficult in a way wwx didn't expect it to be, way beyond his ability to deny his feelings out of the room. tears stream down his face freely and he shakes his head. no. this is not right. this shouldn't be happening. no. not like this. not now.

lwj reaches to wipe his tears and wwx allows his body to collapse foward, his face seeking lwj's neck. this is not fair.

"none of what we promised each other changed," lwj says, his hands soothing through his hair, "neither will this"

wwx shoves a closed fist against lwj's chest, but makes no real indication of moving away. instead, he squirms on his lap and barely registers lwj's next words.

that's probably a good thing, for now. lwj makes some promise about a situation he can not control, compliments him on things worth no praise, recites his feelings like prayer.

lwj keeps the same tone as wwx shoves harder against his chest. it doesn't hurt, he doesn't fight it, simply watches wwx undone.

wwx squirms a little more on his lap, fucking himself on lwj through tears as he listens.

wei ying.

"you are doing so good", lwj says despite wwx attempts to fight him, shoving at his chest and squirming on his lap. lwj makes no attempt to hold him still, just places wwx's hair behind his shoulders and keeps praising him, "so good for me, i love you so much"

it is nothing like wwx would have expected and nothing he is able to fight. all there is in him is the urge to pick up the pace again, rocking himself as he slaps, scratches, punches lwj's chest.

between lwj's praises and how long he has been delaying his orgasm, it becomes a short ride. he moves frantically until he comes untouched, shortly followed by lwj, who eases him back down to the makeshift bed.

when lwj pulls out and brings him closer, all he can do is keep his eyes closed as his crying grows into sobs.

how long has it been since he last cried like this?

"wei ying", lwj says. there is some fear in his voice, an apology ready in his lips.

"i love you too" wwx lets out, "fuck, lan zhan. i love you too"

it doesn't stop the crying, but he finally finds himself all out of fight, clinging onto lwj as he tries to manage to panic of losing him.

lwj kisses him, holds him, cleans them up. wwx kisses him back, brings him closer, cries some more.

when all is said and done, the dreaded silence hovers over them again.

"wei ying"

"that's enough, lan zhan." wwx says. "we've said enough."

[thank you for reading my ramble!!!! i was speedrunning this against my battery at 5%, so i hope it's not too bad.

replies, rts, qrts are all much appreciated to let me know you liked it or would like some more.

you can support me @ http://ko-fi.com/wwxwashere  if you want]

idk how i came up with this but now i have extras for each thread fic and in this case:

- yes, it is that much harder to leave. lwj still does though :(
- lwj spends a long time WORKING HIS ASS OFF to get him back

- that only leads to the same invitation that gets jin zixuan killed and all of that mess, though
- wwx repeats "we've said enough" the night he dies
- lwj's grief is just as deep but heavier in memories

- the next time they say i love you to each other is post-canon, but wwx is smiling
- lwj tears up a little bit. don't tell anyone.