Thread by @SporadicErratic, Let's do the real and true talk. When I think about gender, [...]

Let's do the real and true talk. When I think about gender, I think a lot about this manga from the 60's, Princess Knight. It's kind of clunky and not everything sticks for me but the core concept keeps bumping around my consciousness

The book starts out in heaven with a bunch of non-gendered babies being fed gender hearts by God. Real light reading. Anyway, some mischievous cherub wants to feed a baby a heart too, and feeds it a boy heart. Then god feeds it a girl heart. The baby is born with both.

The whole damn book is about gender. Princess Sapphire, the baby with two hearts, is born into a country that needs a prince, for some reason? So to the public, she is male. She longs for dresses and to be allowed to present female, but is trained in knightly skills.

Sometimes she dresses female and is indistinguishable as herself to the public; it's like a secret identity. Throughout the book, the cherub has been sent to correct it's mistake and retrieve the boy heart. There's also a Witch who wants the girl heart for her tomboy daughter

So Sapphire's gender flips around all the time, depending on who she needs to be to the public or who has stolen a heart from her at any given time

When I was very little, like 4, I wanted to be a ballerina. I also wanted to shave with my dad. By the time I hit 7, I wanted to chop all my hair off and I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to take my shirt off when it was hot. I dreamt of growing up to be a boy.

Boys just got everything I wanted, though. They got to have cool low voices and take their shirts off and frankly, my school was sexist as fuck and they got whatever they wanted. My extended family also made me hate my gender

I will never forget the Christmas my male got a bike, and I got a fucking barbie doll. I didn't even like dolls. Who doesn't want a bike?! What the fuck!!

Lol male cousin; that should say male cousin XD

Years passed; lots of years passed. Puberty hit & I accepted being a girl, even though it seemed like I was really bad at it. I wanted to wear nerd shirts and they only came in men's sizes; I was supposed to want to
wear makeup, date & shop. I didn't give shit about those things

So I kind of felt like a reverse princess Sapphire, only I didn't necessarily feel like I had to let go of the girl things? Some girl things. Some "girl" things, I have never been into, like frills and lace, and wanting to be a princess. I can't relate.

I don't know. I feel like this could turn into a long thread. I have a lot of thoughts. But other things have been making me think lately, about how much I love costumes, and transformations, and the art of it. The best compliment is when you can change into someone else

and no one can recognize you. Your transformation is complete. The ability to shift, at will. I like voices, and I like costumes, and I want them all. I want it all.

I saw a post someone made about people not being able to identify their gender and my gut response was; living the dream.

So I should think about that. What's the dream?

I can play at being a girl, sometimes. I can put on makeup and a pretty dress, but I've always felt really ugly; like it's the biggest lie in the world that anyone could every possibly find me beautiful. I put on that dress and the lie is obvious. Just look at the other girls,

they actually like this stuff, and it shows. They can do things with their hair and stuff; not like me. My hair refuses all efforts; it's flat and thin and fine and won't hold a curl worth a damn

And other times I'm like, fuck everything! Fuck it all. I'm a girl too, I'm a girl, and I'm like this. I don't have to like pink and lace and all that other shit to be a girl; there are girls like me!!

Right?

I don't know. I don't know any of it. I like the times when people can't tell it's me, because I when I become someone else, I become someone lovable. That's a whole other issue though probably, lol

Non-binary sounds; like I get rejecting gender, but I don't outright reject all gender. I hate cultural gender constraints. Is that what it means? And all my life, people have called me tomboy. That probably also contributed to me wishing to be male. Why not have the body to

match their perceptions? It would make things easier.

Plus, it seems great to be able to piss in the woods stress-free, lol.

I feel like I would also make a shitty dude, but I feel like I fuck everything up always, so, I dunno. I just don't know.

I want it all. The transformation. Back, and forth, and back again. I want it all. But. Here I am. Just me.

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