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In 2020, I think I've finally gotten a foothold into understanding & setting boundaries for myself. I tried many of new ways of relating, being in community, & expressing myself. Almost all of them have turned out to be inauthentic to me, & rooted in seeking my worth from others.
I don't regret trying, but I did seriously hurt myself & others by going well past my level of comfort & authenticity, only to find that I'd gone too far. I'm looking forward to finishing 2020 & moving into 2021 knowing more clearly my own worth & setting healthier boundaries.
I've had to navigate a lot of hard relationships this year - to my job, to my community, to my closest friends, to partners, & to my faith & sense of self. This has undoubtedly been the most difficult year of second puberty for me. I thought I wanted to become a different person.
I thought I wanted more openness, more queerness, less inhibition, & fewer constraints. But what I really craved was the freedom to be honest about all of those things in any context. I wanted freedom to be able to say more, or less, or none, yes or no, I want or I need.
I wanted space in my life & relationships to be able to expand who I am, not change who I am, & to be heard in whatever might change, or stay the same. It seems like I want more things to stay the same than I want them to change. I want to stay joyful, hopeful, optimistic.
I want to keep my faith, be loyal, make wise choices, choose love, give generously of my time & experiences, help others. I want to be transgender. I want to be non-binary. I want to be a woman. I don't want to be objectified, or sacrifice my boundaries for validation or love.
I don't want to compromise my comfort for community or relationships. I don't want to be anyone's one & only, or even very important at all. I just want to live, be healthy, be normal, & tell the truth. Much of what I tried & struggled through in 2020 took me out of that.
I saw a lot of toxicity in community this year, & my eyes were opened to the importance of boundaries by finding myself in situations & relationships where there were none, or where they were routinely ignored or outright violated. I don't blame anyone. I love what I've learned.
I love who I have learned with this year. They all know who they are. I love my community, & my identity. I love that I'm finding my place in it, & that I know that I have a place, & that I get to choose my seat at the table. I love those who have loved me through my learning.
I love myself more this year than I ever have, I think, & I'm proud of how hard I've fought for to find it.
I love you, too.
I love you, too.
