1st of December means buying the tree but also my eldest insists on watching Home Alone for the first of many times this season.

Each time I watch my A&E brain winces at every injury. Here’s my take for #MedTwitter on Harry and Marv’s traumatic evening. /1

(I know this has been done to death elsewhere but I’m meant to be homeschooling and I need the distraction)

So the clock strikes nine and precocious 8 year-old Kevin takes up position to defend his house from inept burglars The Wet Bandits. First weapon: the BB gun.

Harry takes a pellet right to the 1%. Damage depends very much on pellet type used and muzzle velocity of the BB gun. Although a metal pellet with an adapted air gun can be lethal, this is likely a relative low FPS model with plastic ball pellets.

WORST CASE: scrotal haematoma

Marv catches one right in the napper but again, likely to be painful but non-lethal. Our trainee psychopath Kevin would have had to aim for the eyes to have any chance of inflicting permanent damage.

WORST CASE: lacerated forehead with foreign body embedded

Next, our bungling burglars split-up: Marv to the basement and Harry to the front-door.

Kevin’s forward planning comes to the fore here with icy steps landing both on their backs.

WORST CASE: head injury, spinal fractures, rib fractures, long bone fractures.

Marv recovers enough to make it into the basement. But it’s dark. He pulls the light cord and BAM! Iron to the face from a height of twenty feet.

BEST CASE: a severe concussion and facial bone fractures

WORST CASE: severe intracranial injury, fractured cervical spine

But back to the frontdoor: Harry clambers up the icy steps and grabs the red-hot door handle. Nasty burn to the palm of the hand, looks partial thickness but would need careful monitoring and dressing to avoid functional sequelae. Will hurt like absolute bejesus though.

Marv has recovered from his blunt force trauma and has become unstuck by the tarred steps, exposing his bare foot to the embedded nail. Unlike Emily Blunt’s stoic response in A Quiet Place, Marv bellows his way to another fall from height...hope his tetanus is up to date...

Harry’s got no luck with burns, taking a blowtorch to the head. They must be full-thickness, with bits of his beanie hat melted into the burn. It will be a horror show of a wound to clean and dress. Although Joe Pesci should’ve been nominated for an Oscar for this reaction alone.

Marv changes tack and climbs in a window but John McClane’s it on some baubles in his bare feet. Potentially some lacerations with tiny slivers of plastic contaminating them.

The two then meet (after Harry gets a face full of superglue and feathered) for some synchronised slippage on micro machines and some potential mutual spinal fractures and occipital head injuries.

And it’s sub-durals and cerebral contusions agogo as our buffoonish burglars attempt the stairs and get paint-cans right in the noggin

Surely sensing that multiple head traumas weren’t going to beat these burglarising bozos, sociopath Kevin switches to a tripwire, taking out Harry spectacularly and apparently knocking him out. Loss of consciousness a bad sign with head injury...

And then in an attempt to kill a presumably defanged tarantula, Marv deals a crowbar blow to Harry’s chest.

WORST CASE: sternal fracture and cardiac contusions, rib fractures, haemo/pneumothorax

And the evening is rounded off by some more blunt-force trauma when Kevin cuts their rope (WORST CASE: intra-cerebral/thoracic/abdominal/pelvic injuries) and then old-man Marley smashes their (surely titanium plated) heads with a shovel

And instead of an ambulance for their poly-trauma, The Wet Bandits get shoved into a police car. Whilst Kevin, after inflicting grievous bodily harm, watches gloating from his window.