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If anyone’s wondering why I get so irate at woolly bollocks about mental health from people who could either do something meaningful about the issue and choose not to, or who claim to be “advocates”, well...
About 6 years ago I had a breakdown, several months of very little sleep, waking up shaking with panic, constantly full of anxiety, breaking down for no apparent reason whatsoever, I think not far from seriously considering suicide - all that fun stuff..
Reaching out was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I struggle to articulate how difficult it is to anyone who hasn’t been in the situation I doubt anybody is just able to “pick up a phone!” or “reach out!”.
Saying you need help, a break, a rest, in itself, feels like an admission of failure. I don’t know how much more difficult it may be because of military mindset; pressures of rank, the expectation of others to be a “leader”, the self-induced pressure to not let others down...
But none of that stuff can help. I felt out of control of my life, isolated, alone. A very good service friend called me out on some behaviours they knew weren’t me, & I eventually approached my immediate CoC, who were pretty good within the limits of their ability.
I went to the Docs twice, two different locums, one offered pills which would have stopped me doing most of my work, the other told me to find something constructive to do at 0300 when awake in blind panic - which was particularly helpful...
They both did ask if I was thinking of harming myself, to which I said no - it was hard enough admitting I was losing the plot, I wasn’t going to admit that I was batshit crazy to some civvie I’d never met before.
Then my unit sent me to the other side of the world on a month long exercise there was no real need to do, but it “looked good”. This all happened during an assignment which had an extended tour in it, whilst I was already far outside harmony from my previous 2 assignments.
Thankfully, I had some really good military (outside the unit) & civilian friends who supported me through to the other side. But beyond some sympathy, there was no help from defence medical or the regiment. I was left to my own devices to just get over it.
So yeah, that’s why I get antsy. Individual experiences may differ, but there remains organisational problems that “positivity” tweets & articles about mindfulness on Defence homepage aren’t going to fix.
And some may identify me from this. Which is cool.
