Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is the twentieth one! Where does the time go? I wanted to mark this occasion with something a little different, so we have our first guest post about what happens when someone in your life transitions! The topic: FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

My hope with these is always to just give you a window into this world, and to help you understand better. But there are portions of the entire process of transitioning and being transgender that I can’t personally speak to.

But they’re important. And so I’ve invited my best friend in the whole world, who just so happens to be my writing partner and my wife, to talk to you a bit about what this has been like for her. And so I’ll turn it over to @susanlbridges!

Hey there! I’m guest posting this week for #TransTuesday as the wife of Tilly. So, um, hi. Tilly gave me plenty of warning that she wanted me to write one of these, and then after I agreed she kind of mentioned I might write more than one of them. She’s sneaky like that.

I think I’ll call the subject of this one FIRST IMPRESSIONS. Because I think if you know someone before transitioning, and then you know them after they transition, you probably have some things that need to be worked through, for at least a few months, right?

So I guess the first reaction I had was frustration, and anger. I’m the one that’s always quicker to anger and I’m the more pessimistic of the two of us. Tilly tends to be shiny, bright and happy, and sure that things will work out fine.

Anyway, I was angry because I mean - to be white and assigned male at birth, you won the lottery. You’re automatically at the top! And while I’ve spent the last several years undoing my own internalized misogyny, there are an awful lot of women who hate each other and themselves.

It’s not their fault or anything, it’s literally how women are programmed to be. Because if we worked together to lift each other up we’d probably rule the world, so it’s important that society crush us before we can do that, and okay that’s off topic. Moving on.

So it was hard for me to accept that someone would WANT to be a woman. And I know that being trans isn’t about wanting, it’s about who you are. But that was just my personal early reaction, which I’m including for illustrative purposes.

I think also I had more time to think about and get used to learning that Tilly was transgender, because she decided to wait to transition until our kid was a little bit older. She didn’t want to make anything harder for him, and that was really kind.

(For the record, our kid is fairly nonplussed about the entire situation, and had already learned about it in school, because we live in Los Angeles. I was actually pretty impressed with the materials he had available to him in school, too.)

I was angry too because there had been several prior situations where I had tried to get us writing work and it didn’t go well, because sexism. Eventually I defaulted to Tilly reaching out to everyone, because presenting as a white male meant people would listen.

I also remember one time pre-transitioning that Tilly and I basically posted the same exact thing on social media about the same show, and I was attacked and she wasn’t. So yeah, that gets frustrating as it keeps happening year after year. It never really changes.

So now we’d both be female presenting, and I really wasn’t sure what that would mean professionally for us. I was kind of afraid things would be worse. But Tilly was sure that wouldn’t happen (because she’s Tilly and she’s very much the optimist).

It turns out she was right. Things are not worse. In fact, things are better, maybe? People have been much kinder than I thought they would be for the most part. I’m happy to be wrong (but just this one time, don’t get any ideas about this permanently changing my personality).

I guess after getting past the angry parts I was just worried. I was worried that she’d be harassed online, I was worried that she might be mocked, I was worried that there might be medical situations in the future where people would be disrespectful to her.

And I was worried about being safe and in public. I was used to having the cover of a male presenting person, and I wouldn’t have that anymore. I might actually have to protect her. I might have to stand up for her. I felt like now I’d have to worry for both of us.

I just remember years ago that there was a time when I was stalked on public transit, and I worried something like that could happen to Tilly. I felt powerless and alone. I don’t ever want Tilly to feel that way and it’s hard to know that she will be less safe from now on.

I was also worried about being publicly out. Like, out out. I’ve known I was queer since I was probably 15 or 16, on some level. I didn’t really accept it until I was in my 20s. And from the outside my marriage looked very much like straight people. So I kind of let that happen.

My upbringing was rather conservative and I felt pretty sure that I wouldn’t have been supported much, had I come out way back when. So it felt a little bit like I was going to be outed and it was outside my control, because in order for Tilly to come out, I would too.

I think maybe that for some of the people who knew me when I was fake straight, they don’t think of me as gay now that they know about Tilly and her transition. While that doesn’t matter all that much to me, I do understand the irresistible human urge to put people in boxes.

I doubt I fit any queer stereotypes (okay I kind of do have the bisexual haircut, shut up). What people think of me is less relevant than what they think of Tilly though. Being a trans person is much riskier than other sorts of gay, due to misinformation.

I know that people are frightened by trans people, and offended by trans people and honestly some people have very weird hang-ups about bathrooms and locker rooms. And trans people are murdered and experience violence, and it’s really scary.

So it’s been hard to know that this is the truth of our relationship now. It’s been hard to know we will now be limited in where we can live, and where she can get appropriate medical care and support, and that many places in this country are now very, very dangerous for her.

Tilly keeps apologizing for “making things weird” and I wave it off. Weird is pretty low on my list of concerns. Life is weird. Life is change. Our relationship is changing.

But that’s the nature of relationships. We are not the same people we were ten years ago, and we’re definitely not the same people we were 20 years ago.

On a lighter note, pronouns were difficult for me, but typing the correct pronouns as practice really helped me, and it also helped to refer to Tilly as MY WIFE (just imagine a Borat graphic). Seeing how happy Tilly was as she got more girly things was spirit-lifting.

It’s been fun to help Tilly out with clothes and makeup, even when we disagree. Yes, I laughed when Tilly expected sizing in female clothing to be more consistent. I also explained all clothing should generally be assumed to be poor quality from here on out.

However, Tilly’s hair is now super long and curly, and she asked me about how to take care of it and what products to use. Sorry babe, I got no idea. My hair’s straight as an ironing board most of the time. You gotta Google that shit.

But in general, things are the same. Tilly does the right thing, always, and is totally excited about it. She’s still driving our first draft busses right over a cliff as usual. (I’m the one at the bottom sorting through the bus pieces, and that’s generally our writing style.)

And Tilly is still my sunshine and I love her to bits. All of that’s the same as always.

Heyo, Tilly back again, just to say… I know this isn’t typical for a lot of trans people, especially those that are married or in committed relationships before transitioning. And I want you to know I’m well aware how incredibly lucky I am.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.

QUICK ADDENDUM: If you have someone in your life who is transgender, or who comes out to you as transgender, PLEASE strive to be the Susan in their lives. They need you more than you know.