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*Thread* (1) A friend told me this morning "It’s ok not to be ok
And I don’t think you’re ok
And that’s ok." and do you know what? They were the words I wish I had been heard 9 yrs ago. #MentalHealthAwareness #PTSD
And I don’t think you’re ok
And that’s ok." and do you know what? They were the words I wish I had been heard 9 yrs ago. #MentalHealthAwareness #PTSD
(2) JB was always ribbed for being short, even though he wasn't less than average height. It was just fun to get a bite out of him. He was the life of our section as soon as he joined us, just before deployment on my first operational tour.
(3) As a Vehicle Mechanic Corporal, he had the honour of commanding the CRAARV. Me, well I was his "Brew Bitch" and was responsible for supporting the crew as a Craftsman - cutting my teeth in my trade. I couldn't have wished for a more inspirational bloke to learn from.
(4) When the 
the fan, he'd have your back. JB always told me to never do anything by half-measures. So I always gave my all; promotion followed, as did my own Driver and Commander's course for the Warrior.
the fan, he'd have your back. JB always told me to never do anything by half-measures. So I always gave my all; promotion followed, as did my own Driver and Commander's course for the Warrior.
(5) Jump ahead a few years, & I was a Civvie, while JB had become an Artificer Sergent Major for the Scots Dragoon Guards - the pinnacle of a VM's career. I travelled out to Germany to see him for a surprise 40th birthday. (I've not always had a beard! 
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(6) When my son was born the obvious choice for his Godfather was JB. I couldn't think of a better man to steer the life of my son, along side me. When I married my Ex, JB was stood there with me. Life was good for us all...or so everyone thought.
(7) The last time I saw him alive was that wedding day. He drove back to Germany and things took a dark turn. You see, JB was your typical squaddie. We don't talk about stuff like mental health. You don't admit things aren't going well 'upstairs' because it means you're weak...
(8) You can't be weak. You can't cry in front of your mates. The only time you tell them what they mean to you is when you're drunk. That's what we were taught to do. If someone got a bit emotional, you told them "Dry your eyes Princess, MTFU!".
(9) If they were looking for sympathy, they were told it was in the dictionary between 'shit' & 'syphilis' with a shared laugh 
Only JB never asked...not once.
Only JB never asked...not once.
(10) The PTSD he didn't talk about resulted in drinking - The Army in Germany had a big drinking culture, so this wasn't unusual; it passed as social drinking. Every now and then there'd be a drunken message where I'd be asked for advice.
(11) As someone out, & doing well in Civvie Street, JB turned to me for advice about his retirement; it was like talking to a scared Y11. He had no idea what to do if he wasn't a soldier. What I couldn't see was how he felt his life was falling apart around him.
(12) I had one message of "I'm in a dark place. I'm really depressed". The following morning he said he was just a bit down, & being pissed hadn't helped.
He never showed a sign of weakness again.
He never showed a sign of weakness again.
(13) JB had just turned 41. His son woke on his 18th birthday - the 23rd December 2011. JB was found in the shared loft space - he had hung himself. I remember hearing the news as vividly as being able to tell you what happened an hour ago.
(14) "You're f***ing joking!" and I laughed, when our mate, a copper, told me (with us in the pic in Germany). Lee told me he wished he was. I was numb. I cried as much as I am typing this. It was the worst Christmas I have ever had. My best was on Tour with JB - Irony, huh?!
(15) I struggled, and there was a time when I considered how being a motorcyclist, sat astride a tank of flammable liquid, that could do 180mph, things could look like an accident. When we nearly lost my son, I needed JB for support - and I found 'him'.
(16) You see, the voice that I'd hear in my own thoughts was his. It was then I realised that he'd never leave me - because mentors teach you how to be the best you. So I learnt from his mistake. I picked up the pieces I could, and moved on.
(17) Moving on meant supporting his youngest lad who was crashing & burning in school. He's now a Commando-trained Royal Engineer. It meant doing something purposeful with my life. I quit my job, went to uni, and became a teacher. Something I'd never considered...
(18)...until a Civvie mate working for the DfE suggested I'd be good at it. I put my heart & soul into what I do - because JB told me "be the best you can be". Yet it is more than that. It's because his lad told me he wished there were teachers like me in his school.
(19) I also made a promise to talk when I'm struggling. I did that this morning. I reached out to say that I'm flat - I'm numb...Except I know this will pass, on 24th December, like it has for the last 9yrs. I just need to make it to then.
(20) Tomorrow will be really hard for me. Every lesson of a 5/5 teaching day will take every ounce of emotional strength to pull off. But it is doable, because I've got colleagues who won't tell me to MTFU; I talk about it and don't care if people see it as weak.
(21) For that I'm grateful. As am I grateful that I've been able to type a self-indulgent thread that explains why talking about issues is critical - especially at this tough time of the year. To quote @MrEFinch "I fucking hate December" - now you know why.
(22) I made the decision to teach 2 yrs after this picture was taken of the two of us. I wonder what he'd make of this adventure of mine.
On St Eligius' Day - Arte et Marte (et Party) JB - much love...
On St Eligius' Day - Arte et Marte (et Party) JB - much love...
