Apropos of nothing but my brain meanderings tonight:

I wish we retired phrasing like, "if [abuser] really loved you, they wouldn't abuse you." I worked at a domestic abuse shelter for over a year, & saw the kind of doubt & mental dissonance those words create in survivors.

1/x

I wish instead we said: abuse makes love irrelevant. Invalid-- like a drop of poison makes even the best wine undrinkable. The wine is still real, rare, & delicious.

But none of that matters.

It's still going to kill you.

2/x

B/c that fact is, humanity excels at horrific dualities. Abuse & love can absolutely coexist. Some parents work 13 hours & skip meals to make sure their kids never, ever go hungry. They also beat those children bloody for talking back.

3/x

Telling survivors that love can't coexist with abuse often just makes them doubt if they were truly abused at all--b/c the alternative is trying to reimagine *clear memories of love* as...not-love, which is stressful, mentally bewildering, & often simply untrue. 4/x

For similar reasons I also find the phrase "love is respect" unhelpful (though the organization by that name is WONDERFUL & does great work).

5/x

After all, people devote YEARS of care, affection, & resources to their dog. That's genuine love.

But it's still their dog.

They completely control where the dog goes & how it behaves at all times, b/c the dog is not their equal. That's love without respect.

6/x

Instead, I'd wish we'd say something like "love without respect kills" or "love needs respect." Not as punchy, and I'm not saying the phrase "love is respect" hasn't helped people (since many abusers DO NOT love their victims).

I just worry about the people that it holds back.