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the way you interact with your partner when your upset or disagreeing really speaks to the success of your relationship. conflict won’t always be avoidable but attacking your partner, cussing at them, becoming violent, shutting down or being passive etc. is not the answer.
I find that the more questions you ask, the easier it is to get back on the same page. instead of matching your partners energy sometimes you have to be willing to discern what is triggering the situation and be the one to implement the proper response.
for example, if you can tell your partner is being passive aggressive. instead of being equally passive or calling them out, ask: “did I do something to upset you?” and now you’ve not only made this person feel seen but you can also understand how your actions may trigger them.
it gives you both the safe space to talk about how one another’s actions effected the other and how to better respond in the future. this can help prevent future conflicts since a lot of arguments stem from miscommunication and lack of vulnerability.
instead of expressing our pain and frustration, we try to make the other person feel how we feel. that’s why people will cheat on each other or try to make each other jealous instead of saying “I wish you paid more attention to me” or “I feel like you don’t care.”
your partner is not your enemy nor can they always read your mind. it’s so important that you view your relationship as a team so that you can support one another and balance out your strengths and weaknesses.
for example, one of you may deal with codependency while the other is more emotionally grounded. upon entering the relationship the codependent person might feel like they need more attention from their partner when really, they need to learn how to be more secure without it.
the emotionally grounded person recognizes this in their partner so they decide to be more distant or pull away. now the codependent partner is feeling triggered and possibly even victimized. instead of saying “I’ve noticed you’ve been distant lately, is everything okay?”
the worst case scenario may be that they start to overthink so they internalize their emotions and act out of insecurity. when really the whole time their partner was acting out of love and trying to do something that empowered them and supported their highest good.
this is why instead of saying “fuck you” or “leave me alone” it’s a lot more effective to say “that was really inconsiderate” or “that triggered my abandonment issues and I’d prefer if you communicated this way instead.” I guarantee things will end so differently every time.
