Rebel: who are you?
Luke: I’m a farmer who accidentally got a message intended for Leia and got captured attempting to deliver it. But I rescued her!
Leia: I mostly rescued myself.
Luke: so can I fly one of these fighters?
Rebel: have you ever flown one?
Luke: NOPE
Rebel: ok cool

Rebel command: we are taking a lot of fire!
Luke (on radio): I can destroy this death star
Rebel command: you have never flown a space ship before
Luke: no i know but a ghost is helping me
Rebel command: WE WILL PUT ALL OUR FAITH IN YOU

*after the Death Star explodes*
Rebels: wait how did the Empire know where to find us with their giant planet destroyer ray?
Luke: oh we led them here
Han: oop
Rebels: HAVE A MEDAL, EACH OF YOU
Chewbacca: *raises hand*
Rebels: NOT YOU, WOLF BOY

Rebel 1: now we have to find a new planet for a secret base
Rebel 2: how about Hoth
Rebel 1: is it nice?
Rebel 2: no it is so cold you will literally die at night
Rebel 1: ok but there’s no dangerous monsters on the planet at least, haha
Rebel 2: um

Yoda: ok I guess I will train you as a Jedi
Luke: yay!
Luke: just out of curiosity, what have you been doing the past 20 years
Yoda: been chilling in this swamp I have
Luke: shouldn’t you have been out there fighting the empire all this time?
Yoda: SWAMBP MAN AM I

Luke: I have to go, my friends are in trouble
Yoda: your training is not done
Luke: I gotta
Yoda: it is obviously a trap
Luke: gotta jet
Yoda: you’re fucking stupid aren’t you
Luke: come on, bleepy
Yoda: good thing he has a sister
Luke: what?
Yoda: oh no I’m talking to the ghost

Luke: *checks in*
Rebel command: hey, um, where did you go after Hoth?
Luke: oop
Rebel command: it’s just that you are in one of our VERY expensive space ships and you kinda work for us?
Luke: I think i have to go do something though
Rebel command:
Luke: call it a hunch

Boba Fett: gimme my guy, douche
Vader: you’ll get your prize, I promise!
Lando: why are you being so nice to that random bounty hunter and so shitty to me
Vader: look at him, he’s totally fucking badass
Lando:
Vader: he’s a Mandalorian!
Lando: that’s not even in the script

Vader: I am your father
Luke: noooooo
Vader: yes I was going to tell you about it in the first film but we never actually met
Luke: really?
Vader: weird, right? Same thing happens in The Fifth Element, the good guy and the bad guy never meet
Vader: anyway
Luke: anyhoo

Rebel leader: Luke, there you are!
Luke: yes can I have a new hand please
Rebel leader: ok *looks past him* just out of curiosity where is your x-wing?
Luke: oh, uh, must have left it on Bespin I guess
Rebel leader: again, these are VERY expensive space ships
Luke: NEW HAND PLS

[stormtrooper school]
Trainer: if you see a rebel, what do you do?
Trainee: fire a warning shot, sir!
Trainer: and if they shoot at you?
Trainee: fire more warning shots, sir!
Trainer: and why do we do this?
Trainee: because to an imperial stormtrooper all life is sacred, sir!

Luke: give me Han Solo or I will activate this thermal detonator!
Jabba: what will it detonate?
Luke: what
Jabba: if it’s a detonator, what does it detonate? A bomb?
Luke: it’s THERMAL
Jabba: that’s kind of the idea with detonation, yes
Luke: I HAVE A ROBOT HAND OK

Leia: aha, I am not a slave girl, I am General Leia!
Jabba (choking): are you serious
Leia: yes!
Jabba: (choking) it just seems like with you being a general and all you should probably be, I don’t know, running stuff and not pretending to be a slave?
Leia: I am in love, sir

Luke: *does a flip, grabs his light saber as R2 flings it*
Jabba: do we not check people for weapons around here?
Gamorrean Guard: look, dude, I’m a giant muppet with a stick in a world where people have ray guns and laser swords. I’m not fucking with any of that
Jabba: fair cop

Officer: who’s in charge here?
Vader: me
Officer: ok because before it seemed like Grand Moff Tarkin was in charge and you were like a religious official or something? Is there not a new Grand Moff? Or... how does this work?
Vader:
Officer: I need someone to sign for a package

Stormtrooper 1: are we supposed to know that Darth Sidious and the Emperor are the same person?
Stormtrooper 2: DARTH SIDIOUS AND THE EMPEROR ARE THE SAME PERSON??
Stormtrooper 3: everybody knows that
S2: which one is in charge?
S1: ...both?
S2: WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS SOCIETY

Luke: I’m going over there
Ackbar: to the... new Death Star we are trying to blow up?
Luke: YUP
Ackbar: actually we are trying very hard to blow it up though
Luke: my FATHER is there
Ackbar: yes, he is mainly who we are trying to blow up tbh
Luke: *goes*
Ackbar: this fucking guy

Emperor: Luke, join me and together we will rule the empire!
Luke: lol that’s what Vader said to me in the last film
Emperor: You said “Join me and together we will rule the empire”? That’s my thing that *I* say!
Vader: it’s not like it’s trademarked
Luke: join *me*!
Vader: hush

Luke: *takes off Vader’s helmet*
Vader: thank u
Luke: wait, why did your accent change?
Vader: what?
Luke: with your mask on it’s sort of an RP accent but now you sound like you’re from Norfolk
Vader: lol when I was a kid I was AMERICAN
Luke:
Vader: it’s a space thing

Yub nub, eee chop yub nub
Ah toe mee toe pee chee keene
G'noop dock fling oh ah

Yah wah, eee chop yah wah
Ah toe mee toe peechee keene
G'noop dock fling oh ah.

Coatee cha tu yub nub
Coatee cha tu yah wah
Coatee cha tu glowah
Allay loo ta nuv

yes those are the actual words

Vader Ghost: kinda fucked up how you never told Luke that Leia was his sister and you lied about me killing his dad
Obi-Wan Ghost: lol yeah
Yoda Ghost: Luke and Leia almost boned, bro
Obi-Wan: look I spent half my life in a desert watching over that whiny twat, let me have my fun

Luke: well I guess we never have to worry about anyone building a Death Star again
Han: yeah we blew up TWO of those things
Leia: Think how boneheaded you’d have to be to build a third one
Luke: BOOM
Han: That would be fucking BANANAS

[meanwhile]

Snoke: I just had THE BEST idea