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A short thread on incredible women, intimidation, perception of others, and why you are not the best judge of yourself. Here goes: years ago, I had to to a Very Big Grownup Scary Thing in DC (not sharing specific details for confidentiality). And there she was...
One of the most brilliant, extraordinary women I’ve ever met. Not in my field per se, adjacent. She had defined her field, written books, countless articles, respected across the planet. She was the Chair/Head of the organization where I spoke. I’ve never been more nervous
She’s the type of person who turns heads when she walks into a room. Commands ultimate respect. A grand dame. Beloved and a little feared by her many students. I could only hope she wouldn’t eat me alive after my presentation, which had implications for my field. High stakes.
I had to grab my trousers when I spoke. I was shaking. The room was full of other heavy hitters too. She gave me the 1000yd stare the entire time. I assumed I was failing. Her questions were piercing, insightful, and exposed the weaknesses in my data. I though my goose=cooked
I might have had a good cry back at my hotel room. I had worked for months on the data for this talk. I felt exposed and a fool+I could not have done any better. I knew it. It was the first time I’d really spoken to this woman and I assumed it would be the last. Time passed...
The data I’d shared turned out to be a key component of the Very Big Thing getting moved down the field. More data was needed. Or course I gave it. I struck up a very formal professional correspondence with this amazing human. We got to know each other better.
...and eventually, became friends. We saw each other at some international events. Spent time together (she’s wonderful). And then, not that long ago, I confessed to her how intimidated I’d been of her years ago.
She looked at me. “You’ve got to be joking. *I* was intimidated by *you* and I had to pretend I wasn’t impressed by your work. I had to treat you impartially so I pushed hard. I knew you could handle it+ would rise to the occasion.”
This taught me multiple lessons, about how wrong we can be about how others see us/how we see ourselves, how we have to hold other humans- especially the ones who are experts- to account publicly, and how women can help others rise, even when they have no idea.
It’s worth facing your fears, and getting to know people you find intimidating. They are struggling as much as you (everyone is), and can become fierce friends and advocates. You have no idea how others see you. Not worth worrying about. There are bigger fish to fry.
And now I’m the intimidating one to others (so I’ve been told). Trust me- I’m a mess. I am doing my best to see the best in you and hold you to the high standards that I know you can reach, as this incredible woman taught me.
