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Your feelings and your reactions are separate entities!
Your **feelings** can be valid while your **reactions** are harmful, overblown, irrational.
This distinction is essential, especially in discussions around trauma and loss.
Your **feelings** can be valid while your **reactions** are harmful, overblown, irrational.
This distinction is essential, especially in discussions around trauma and loss.
A real life example:
My teenage years and early 20s were emotionally volatile, as they are for many folks. Trying to navigate interpersonal relationships was hard, and I tested a lot of people.
Whenever I would get close to someone— friend, family, partner— I would test them.
My teenage years and early 20s were emotionally volatile, as they are for many folks. Trying to navigate interpersonal relationships was hard, and I tested a lot of people.
Whenever I would get close to someone— friend, family, partner— I would test them.
Not knowingly! Not at the time anyway.
But I picked a lot of fights with people. A LOT of emotionally taxing fights for both sides. For “proof” that they still wanted me around.
This behavior, as you can imagine, was incredibly destructive.
But I picked a lot of fights with people. A LOT of emotionally taxing fights for both sides. For “proof” that they still wanted me around.
This behavior, as you can imagine, was incredibly destructive.
I lost friends and relationships because of it. I created tension where there was none, and made a lot of heartache for myself and others.
This reaction? Harmful! Destructive! Not productive at all!
My feelings of fear of abandonment were valid. My reactions weren’t.
This reaction? Harmful! Destructive! Not productive at all!
My feelings of fear of abandonment were valid. My reactions weren’t.
Once you get the language to express the difference between your feelings and your reactions, it becomes a lot easier to tease out your feelings and break down any harmful reactions borne out of those feelings.
All that to say: give people some grace. Give yourself some grace.
Humans don’t do things, say things, react in different ways for no reason. We don’t destroy relationships or use substances or become codependent because it’s good for our skin.
We have reasons.
Humans don’t do things, say things, react in different ways for no reason. We don’t destroy relationships or use substances or become codependent because it’s good for our skin.
We have reasons.
Figuring out those reasons, for me anyway, has been instrumental to making progress in therapy and personal understanding.
Also one more thing: my pattern above is like, not unique in the slightest. A lot of people have tests for their loved ones. Maybe you do too!
It’s common, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining.
It’s common, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining.
