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Thinking about all that is being said about debate and respectful engagement atm and recalling my experience alongside so many others of the Marriage Equality and Repeal campaigns. I hear the calls for debate and I recall my experience of those debates.
I remember feeling angry and misunderstood, having difficulty sleeping and feeling outraged at the ignorance that we were exposed to. I remember debates about who should get to be a parent, who is 'safe' as a parent, and even deteriorating to suggesting that bestiality
would be the next step. During Repeal, it wasn't much better. It felt deeply personal and was at times re-traumatising.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I have often felt that it should never have happened, we shouldn't have been in that position in the first place and that is true
I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I have often felt that it should never have happened, we shouldn't have been in that position in the first place and that is true
We shouldn't have been, but we were. Because there were issues that needed to be dealt with, fears that had been left unaddressed, confusion that wasn't going to disappear just bec we demanded it do so. We had to engage and we had to find a way to do it that would bring us to a
better place.
So, we drew a line. We drew a line between those who actively campaigned against us and those who were afraid, unsure, or who had genuine concerns and were in need of a conversation in which they could work those things through.
So, we drew a line. We drew a line between those who actively campaigned against us and those who were afraid, unsure, or who had genuine concerns and were in need of a conversation in which they could work those things through.
We put aside the need to persuade and we listened. We listened and we told stories. We connected with people and tried not to control the outcome too much. Sometimes we succeeded in this and sometimes not. Personally, I found it far harder during Marriage Equality than during
Repeal to do this. I had a little experience under my belt by then and knew I wasn't going to be able to force anyone to change their point of view. During Repeal, I listened better, I engaged better, and during Repeal, I can honestly say that I changed minds.
I can also honestly say that I don't think I ever changed a person's mind without listening well first.
We can argue the wrongness of having to listen, of course. We can say again and again that it shouldn't be that way, but it won't change much. Fear won't go away until it
We can argue the wrongness of having to listen, of course. We can say again and again that it shouldn't be that way, but it won't change much. Fear won't go away until it
is heard and addressed.
That's how humans work.
BUT, when I hear the word 'debate' I still bristle. In part, because I grew up in a debate loving household and while I got pretty good at it, it could be tough. The over-intellectualised nature of debate, the lack of emotional
That's how humans work.
BUT, when I hear the word 'debate' I still bristle. In part, because I grew up in a debate loving household and while I got pretty good at it, it could be tough. The over-intellectualised nature of debate, the lack of emotional
connection and disavowed empathy. Intellectual understandings can be reached via debate, yes, but often I feel it is at a cost. An unnecessary cost?
This sits uncomfortably alongside a more cynical part of me. The part that wonders how people will survive in the world if they
This sits uncomfortably alongside a more cynical part of me. The part that wonders how people will survive in the world if they
don't learn to engage with people who hold opinions that feel hurtful to them.
The idealist in me wants to ensure that no-one gets hurt, that we engage only in kind and connected conversation, but that's not and never will be the reality.
So where is the balance in all of this?
The idealist in me wants to ensure that no-one gets hurt, that we engage only in kind and connected conversation, but that's not and never will be the reality.
So where is the balance in all of this?
I don't know. Reading through much of what has been written in recent days, I wonder if anyone does.
What I do know though, is that although both of those campaigns were really tough to go through, they brought us to a better place.
What I do know though, is that although both of those campaigns were really tough to go through, they brought us to a better place.
We confronted our own discomfort and others' and the national conversations ultimately allayed fears and helped us to grow emotionally. Whether they should have happened or not, well I don't think too much about that anymore.
I focus more on the necessity of them and the
I focus more on the necessity of them and the
maturity and integration that emerged from them. And I mean that both personally and collectively. They were hard, but I'm better for it and I think Ireland is too.
I understand the wish to avoid the 'debate', even to avoid the conversation.
I understand the wish to avoid the 'debate', even to avoid the conversation.
The line between discomfort and re-traumatisation can be thin and differs from person to person, issue to issue, depending somewhat on our personal experiences and the support we have received around them. So, however we move forward, please respect your own personal line.
Courage will be needed to resolve this and I suspect it will take some time, but take heart, we have done it before and we have become better people as a result.
I believe we can do it again.
I believe we can do it again.
