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I was raised with a very strict sense of: if there's no value in doing something then don't do it.
If there's no value in making art, don't do it. If there's no value in writing, don't do it. So things like sitting down and drawing fvcking Pokemon is, for me, panic-inducing
If there's no value in making art, don't do it. If there's no value in writing, don't do it. So things like sitting down and drawing fvcking Pokemon is, for me, panic-inducing
I know, it sounds absolutely absurd.
But see the worst thing you could be in my family was childish. The worst thing that could happen was false cheery praise from people who actually thought you were an immature loser. People condescending to you was like literal murder
But see the worst thing you could be in my family was childish. The worst thing that could happen was false cheery praise from people who actually thought you were an immature loser. People condescending to you was like literal murder
Liking stuff that could be seen as mock-able needed to be stopped. Like, when I was 12 I loved Sailor Moon with every inch of my tiny heart but see, Sailor Moon was not the kind of thing I should like. It wouldn't win my friends. It wouldn't make me cool. It wouldn't help me
When I drew Sailor Moon fanart I was met with condescension at best and mockery at worst. What I did had no value. It didn't make me someone other people would find worthwhile.
Family told me I was already unattractive & I was compounding that sin.
I was 12, remember
Family told me I was already unattractive & I was compounding that sin.
I was 12, remember
Writing was a bit more acceptable because writing could be transformed into something valuable and there were writers who were cool and attractive.
But that was it. WHAT I wrote didn't matter much. If I wasn't getting it published it was fodder, trash to be burnt
But that was it. WHAT I wrote didn't matter much. If I wasn't getting it published it was fodder, trash to be burnt
I know people say bringing joy should be enough of a reason to do something but my brain isn't wired that way. It never has been. I don't know if it's possible to change myself that drastically. Joy isn't a variable.
Am I good enough to make money and/or make people like me
Am I good enough to make money and/or make people like me
I guess what I do now is create content online that a few people see fit to pay for.
That's incredibly acceptable to my family.
You see, there is no such thing as doing something for the joy it brings you. That's a waste. That's for people who don't have to be tough.
That's incredibly acceptable to my family.
You see, there is no such thing as doing something for the joy it brings you. That's a waste. That's for people who don't have to be tough.
And of course I'm not the only victim here.
My mother is a fantastic artist. She drew a portrait of Bruce Springsteen back when she was in her early 20s that's beyond compare.
She hasn't drawn in years. She says there's no reason for it
My mother is a fantastic artist. She drew a portrait of Bruce Springsteen back when she was in her early 20s that's beyond compare.
She hasn't drawn in years. She says there's no reason for it
My mother also used to write. She had poems from when she was a teenager saved and they were good but she doesn't write anymore. "Why bother?" she asks. "What's the point?"
My grandfather was a contractor. He built half the houses in my hometown. His values--which he imposed on his children--were based on the notion that value is in creating something worth money, something people will pay for, something that lasts
And in some ways those values aren't wrong! There's nothing wrong with finding pride and fulfillment in building homes.
But he took it to the extreme. He made everything else a farce. A childish, useless exercise in pointlessness. Something worthy of mockery, and punishment
But he took it to the extreme. He made everything else a farce. A childish, useless exercise in pointlessness. Something worthy of mockery, and punishment
His son, my uncle, took it even farther. After we left my father, my uncle became a sort of stand-in father figure but he was only 18 years older than my brothers and I and he was a spoiled jerk who valued attractive women, athletic men, and being well-liked.
His guiding ethos was to make sure we were terrified into finding ways to become those things.
My value to him was like, negative one billion because at 10 he'd decided I was incurably, irredeemably ugly and thus I had to make up for that somehow.
Drawing Sailor Moon was out
My value to him was like, negative one billion because at 10 he'd decided I was incurably, irredeemably ugly and thus I had to make up for that somehow.
Drawing Sailor Moon was out
So when I share art on here, every sketch, know I do it through a marrow-deep sense of fear and panic. And any praise I get is processed through a filter that suggests it comes from a place of pity and condescension. That people feel bad for me, that they seem me as a child
I'm not sharing this for sympathy btw. I don't expect it.
I'm sharing it because this might be a thing other people experience and I want them to know they're not alone
I'm sharing it because this might be a thing other people experience and I want them to know they're not alone
I'm also sharing it because when I post self-deprecating comments alongside my art, I do it not to fish for compliments but because it's a buffer. If I show I'm Not Serious, then maybe it won't be as frightening to share. If I turn it into a joke, nobody else can
And I'm sharing it because when people say "doing something that makes you happy should be enough!" I know they mean well. I know they're trying to help.
But so often it's not possible for people like me & reading it over and over again becomes patronizing
But so often it's not possible for people like me & reading it over and over again becomes patronizing
It actually ends up feeding into the fear of childishness and pity
"as long as it makes you happy!" sounds like (to someone like me) "lol ok loser it's a waste of time but sure go ahead, guess even useless jerks like you are allowed moments of not-misery"
"as long as it makes you happy!" sounds like (to someone like me) "lol ok loser it's a waste of time but sure go ahead, guess even useless jerks like you are allowed moments of not-misery"
And again, I know that's not what people mean! I understand entirely!
But I want you to maybe understand how it can be perceived by people like me, who have been raised to see childishness as a flaw and loving things as worthy of scorn
But I want you to maybe understand how it can be perceived by people like me, who have been raised to see childishness as a flaw and loving things as worthy of scorn
Anyway don't feel obligated to like, go through my Twitter feed and hype up my art please, I don't want to demand that sort of emotional labor for anyone haha. I'm just in a place where I can talk about these things without getting too upset so I'm taking advantage of it
I mean unless you wanna buy something I drew lol, then go for it, hype it up. EVERYTHING IS FOR SALE
