Holiday Movies 2020- a thread of all the movies we watch from now until 12/31. Classics, new hits, and made-to-stream Christmas garbage - in this house we watch them all. Five trees is a perfect score.

Disclaimer: I’ve never watched Die Hard.

1. A Bad Moms Christmas (2017). Mika Kunis and Kristen Bell go down smooth as our pre-Thanksgiving starter. F-bombs, dong jokes, and an all-star cast make this a top ten for us nowadays - and it’s on Netflix

2. Happiest Season (2020). Kristen Stewart is trapped in a relationship with a gal who won’t tell her parents she’s gay. Daniel Levy shows up *just* enough to make it feel like a bad Schitt’s Creek episode. Unfortunately all holiday movies have happy endings, even on Hulu

3. Home Alone (1990). There’s nothing plausible about the story whatsoever but it’s somehow completely relatable. Ten-year-old me saw it in the theatre the day it came out. I WAS Kevin. While some of these 90s staples have lost their luster, this one will always get

4. Holidate (2020). Julia Robert’s niece plays a snarky millennial in a friends with benefits situation that centers around holiday events. Predictable AF but it has some great lines: “You like me enough to come in my mouth but not to buy me a Christmas present?

5. The Oath (2018, Hulu). This movie is what your Thanksgiving would have been sans Covid - a knockdown drag-out fight over politics, race, and fealty to a fascist potus. After dinner somebody gets tased and takes a fireplace poker to the face. Needed more Christmas lights

6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2008, Netflix). If you like American cheese on your turkey sandwich then this one is for you. It’s disturbing how many movies are based on Black Friday, but Kevin James eats so much pavement that my wife is still laughing and insists on giving it

7. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989). Like a pothead with super high tolerance, I watch this one religiously even though it doesn’t hit like it used to. I still spend the entire movie wondering how they dug up the tree without a shovel. Shitter’s full

8. Deck the Halls (2006, Freeform). This "movie" grossed $47 million worldwide, which means Matthew Broderick and Danny Devito made more for four weeks of "acting" than you earned busting your ass for the man in an entire year. Hot garbage, DNF

9. Home Alone 2 (1992). Films from the 90s are filled with PSAs for kids. I was the demographic they were targeting and it worked - I'm kind, I love hotel amenities, and I'm not afraid of homeless people. I'd love to see an alternate ending where CPS arrests the mom

10. Elf (2003). Barack Obama used the word 'ginormous' in his third state of the union address. Fandango calls it "the best Christmas film of the 21st century", and it grossed $220m worldwide. Yet they won't make a sequel because Ferrell and Favreau don't get along.

11. Four Christmases (2008, AMC). This is somehow our third movie in a week with both Kristin Chenoweth and Mary Steenbergen. Honestly the best part is when the baby gets its head whacked on the door. Loses major points when Jon Voight shows up, what a douche bag

12. Die Hard (1988). Released on July 15 - the hottest day of the year and also my 8th bday - it’s hard to believe they were selling it as a Xmas flick at the time. Regardless, by the end I’m whistling Let it Snow with Carl Winslow and buying a Yippee Ki Yay sweater

13. The Santa Clause (1994). Tim Allen loves cocaine which is awesome but he’s also a Trump-supporting asshole. Somewhere in the middle of this spectrum is playing Santa Claus, which, predictably, he does in his home-improvement-guy style. Believe it or not I’m a big fan

14. The Santa Clause 2 (2002). Santa makes an *actual* cocaine joke in the sequel, and for a moment you're laughing instead of googling if Tim Allen got paid double for playing his weird Santa clone. I'm committed to the franchise, but I'll only watch this one if it's free

15. Gremlins (1984, AMC). I remember this being sold as a family movie, but once Billy’s mom goes full Scarface on the gremlins in the kitchen it’s pure nightmare fuel for the duration. I had a 1000 piece puzzle of the toy store scene and a Gizmo with moving eyes

16. Jingle All the Way (1996). Start analyzing holiday movies and you'll realize that "daddy disappointed me" is a very common storyline. This variation on that theme is clearly contrived just to get Arnold Schwarzenegger to wear the Turboman costume. Yes Sinbad is still alive

17. Dr. Seuss’s the Grinch (2018, FX). This new version has awesome animation and great voice acting but critics said it “didn’t add on to the original story enough.” GOOD ITS THE FUCKING GRINCH. Regardless, I’m an 80s kid that loves Karloff so I can only give it

18. Godmothered (2020, Disney+). A fledgling fairy godmother helps @KatyTurNBC finally hook up with her Prince Charming and colleague @tonydokoupil as they simultaneously topple the 4th tier news organization they’ve been working at together. Hey it’s my interpretation

19. The Santa Clause 3 (2006). Most of the people on Phish Twitter are funnier than Martin Short, so this movie obviously sucks. End of review

20. Noelle (2019, Disney+). Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader made a great holiday movie and you should watch it. It’s the perfect combination of classic Christmas, modern themes, and LOL moments - we love it. Maybe it’s Satan’s cookies talking but #yogurtpants