Read on Twitter
I want to talk about my experience as an autistic person with ADHD. It's something I've been thinking about a lot recently, but I haven't written about it before
1/n
1/n
Disclaimer: this is how I, personally, experience being autistic and having ADHD. Everyone is going to experience their own neurodivergence uniquely, but I hope people can relate to pieces or aspects of my experience
2/n
2/n
It feels to me like I have two distinct parts, each with its own set of needs, skills, and desires. Sometimes these build on or complement each other, and sometimes they oppose or conflict with each other. In either case, they are distinct qualities and change independently
3/n
3/n
One part (that I associate with being autistic) thrives on routine and the familiar. It's very observant, and deeply enjoys finding patterns to connect and organize information. When something unexpected happens, this part gets overwhelmed and can melt down.
4/n
4/n
The other part (which I associate with ADHD) thrives on stimulation and novelty. It's very excitable and dives headfirst into whatever captures its attention, often making grand plans that are never finished. When something becomes boring, this part screams for something new
5/n
5/n
In some ways, having these two parts has helped with masking. When something is repetitive or requires organization, I do my best to lean into the autistic part of me. And when something is new or involves interacting with people, I lean into the ADHD part.
6/n
6/n
(It's worth noting this ability to mask one part with the other was not automatic, it was built up over years as a response to perceived or anticipated negative feedback)
7/n
7/n
In other ways, the conflict between the parts' needs has made my life exhausting & at times seemingly unbearable. I can almost never fully relax, because if the autistic part is relaxed the ADHD part is bored, and if the ADHD part is relaxed the autistic part is overwhelmed
8/n
8/n
When I do manage to find an equilibrium where both parts can rest, it's almost always interrupted by an expectation or obligation of neurotypical society. Generally, the only time I can really rest is when my mind turns down and I'm present in my body (e.g. when I'm asleep)
9/n
9/n
This constant balancing act has shaped so many aspects of my life and led me to contort myself into some bizarre shapes, sometimes in counterintuitive ways. (And it's further complicated because I didn't identify my neurodivergence until I was an adult)
For example:
10/n
For example:
10/n
My coping mechanism for resting when low on energy is put on a cartoon I've seen repeatedly and play an idle game on my phone. The familiar show & predictable game satisfy the autistic part, while the dynamic-ness of cartoons & the game's dopamine hits satisfy the ADHD part
11/n
11/n
Neither part is fully at rest, but both parts are mostly relaxed, and it's the most consistently restful activity that I can predictably do when I find myself exhausted in one form or another.
12/n
12/n
