I worked at a movie theatre and I believe every single god damn word of this thread (1/n)_ https://twitter.com/klobstar/status/1329777440173002757

I was an usher at a movie theatre in high school. It was single best job I’ve ever had and if I could make even a measly income doing it I would have made it my career (2/n)

Some of the most profoundly odd and enjoyable people I’ve ever met in my life worked there. Some of the concession girls were easy on the eyes too.

One of the ushers was this long haired dude we called Scotty K. Scotty K was 18 which was a big deal because he could get legit porn and cigarettes and bongs for people like me who were 15. I saw Smashing Pumpkins with Scotty K and this chick named Steph

Steph had an enormous rack and blonde hair and about 2 brain cells. Years after I quit at the theatre I’m driving home one night from the bars and this Corolla comes ripping up behind me nearly running me off the road passing me on the shoulder

The Corolla loses it around a turn and smashes into the guard wall. I called the sheriff and circled back. I get out and lo and behold it’s Steph, huge tits, same blonde hair, and both brain cells completely soaked in booze. She recognized me but couldn’t remember my name

I asked if she was okay and she said yea. She looked at her car and was like oh shit and I’m like Steph the cops are coming and she looked at me and bolted down the freeway. She fell, got up, and kept running. I got back in my car and that was the last I saw of Steph

We used to tear the tickets as people were going into the theaters. You’d stand by a pole with a velvet rope, people would hand you tickets, your tear them and hand them back. There would be one usher on one side of the entrance and another on the other side

We played this game where we would lean the pole over farther depending on how hot the chick was who came through the line. So a nice looking chick would maybe get a 15 or 20 degree lean, and a really pretty lady would get closer to 45. The whole time the other

usher is watching this and it’s just like a private inside joke thing. Anyway one time this bombshell comes through to the other usher and he just throws the pole . I laughed so hard

Once I was changing a long fluorescent light behind a movie sign and the other guy didn’t shut the sign off and I damn near killed myself. I blew myself off the ladder and had black fingers and a racing heart all night

The carpets were so bad and the brooms we used to clean were so stiff from soda and crap you could jam the brooms - bristles down - into the carpet and they would stay standing

We would make them into bowling pin formations, put someone into one of the big garbage cans on wheels, and push them as hard as we could into the bowling pin brooms

Once we caught a guy jerking off to Strip Tease. This woman came flying out of the theater and yelled at me and this other usher “There’s a man in there sitting by himself and I can see him masturbating!!!”

Yeah okay lady I’m 16 years old and really don’t give a shit why don’t you loosen up and go lend a hand

One night this dude comes out from one of the movie theaters really angry and goes “I need to ssshhhpeak to a manajjjer!” talking all weird. I’m like whatever right this way

The manager is like how can I help you. He holds out his hand and in his palm there’s a wing nut and a broken tooth. The wing nut fell off the popcorn machine into his popcorn and he bit into it and busted his tooth

Another night some dude comes up to me and he’s covered in dust and shit and he asks for a flashlight because he dropped his glasses. I’m like okay let’s go look. We find where he was sitting and we are looking around and people are getting pissed because now it’s bright

I can see where he was sitting is all dusty too and there’s ceiling tile or something on the floor. I look up and there’s a ceiling tile missing and I’m like OMFG the tile fell down, clobbered the dude, knocked his glasses off, and he doesn’t remember a thing!!

One of the projectionists was an evangelical born again dude who watched all sorts of prophecy channels and would always tell me to repent because Jack Van Impe said the world would end 2000 or something

Another projectionist would never buy me cigarettes, he would only buy me cigars. Macanudo Hampton Courts they came in their own tin case. Nothing else, just Macanudos.

Another projectionist was this crazy anarchist dude who built all this pyro shit he had a potato gun launcher that would ignite the potato on the way out of you soaked it in lighter fluid we shot that think out back in the lot probably 100 times

You could come to work high, drunk, on drugs, didn’t matter. We would catch people in various sex acts in the theater, sometimes we wouldn’t stop it right away. Let them finish. We would sneak onto the roof and smoke various things up there.

I would take huge bags of popcorn home and the next day at school pour them all over my friends cars at lunch so by the time they got out of school birds were feasting and shitting all over their rides.

One time one of the ushers broke up with his girlfriend and the chick’s mom came in to yell at him. We wouldn’t let her in unless she bought a ticket to a movie so she did, she bought a ticket, tracked him down, and yelled at him for being a dick to her daughter

It was glorious. It was fun and hilarious and I made $6.15/hr and I couldn’t have been any happier. I’d still be doing it today. Leaning poles, smoking whatever, lighting off spud guns, getting lectured to repent, laughing at people, I’d go back in a heartbeat