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Someone told me once—I disagreed then but have learned otherwise since—relationships are fundamentally inconvenient. Maybe the problem is we build relationships seeking ease from other people, which leaves us under-prepared for when such people (and they will) need us.
As someone who is always conscious about inconveniencing people, this was a hard lesson. Pretending life is easy helps no one. Better to have people who are just as invested in you as you are in them, on your side. And the only way you’ll know? By needing/inconveniencing them.
Inconveniencing is a very strong word, but it’s dishonest to be friends/lovers with people and not need them. Even for trivial things. I know I’m dishonest in this area because even though I never project this, I ask for help/advice/opinions a lot(!). Just ask my siblings.
The lesson, however, was learning to ask for and accept help—and to not feel uncomfortable with doing either among those closest to me. It was about giving people the opportunity to show up, which I’ve learnt is not something I do. Which takes me back to the topic:
More people than we think are already anxious about sharing their interests with/asking for help from even those closest to them. And just because a relationship does not appear demanding/inconveniencing, does not mean it is a good or honest one.
I’m not saying people don’t take the piss or exploit others (their fault not yours); I’m saying as much as we all hate being inconvenienced, we definitely don’t want the opposite—which is dishonesty, indifference, not being/feeling needed by those closest to us.
Have you ever asked a friend why they asked someone else for help/advice and not you? That’s what I mean. It might sound wild but don’t expect people to only ask you about big things or things you find important. Relationships are also very trivial: big things don’t happen often.
The final thing, of course, is willingness. We go into relationships signalling a willingness to be inconvenienced. We summarise this as ‘liking’ someone. But we should always be asking ourselves if we actually like or feel liked by the other person.
A useful related thread: https://twitter.com/wallelawal/status/1302225388832256001
A useful related thread: https://twitter.com/wallelawal/status/1302225388832256001
